MOVIE MADNESS!

Again, totally stolen from You-Know-Who!

1. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times: All About Eve, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, The Birds, Boys in the Band, Carrie, Evil Dead 2, The Exorcist, Faster Pussycat Kill Kill!, Man Facing Southeast, The Poseidon Adventure, Psycho, Rear Window, The Stepford Wives, Sunset Boulevard, Taxi Driver, Valley of the Dolls, Vertigo.

2. Name a movie that you’ve seen multiple times in a theatre: The Agony & The Ecstasy of Phil Spector, Blue Velvet, Carrie, The Exorcist, Planet of the Apes, The Poseidon Adventure, Safe, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Without You I'm Nothing.

3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie: Paul Giamatti, Katherine Keener, John Malkovich, Catherine O'Hara, Paul Rudd, Meryl Streep.

4. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven’t gotten around to it: The Man Who Came To Dinner.

5. What movie do you wish you had never seen? The Human Centipede, the completely worthless and pointless and SACRILEGIOUS remake of Psycho.

6. Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie: Jennifer Aniston, Nicolas Cage, Tom Cruise.

7. Name a movie that you can quote from at will: All About Eve, Boys in the Band, Carrie, The Exorcist, Mommie Dearest, The Poseidon Adventure, Psycho, Showgirls, Sunset Boulevard, Valley of the Dolls, Vertigo.

8. Name a movie musical that you know all the lyrics to all the songs: Grease, Oklahoma, The Sound of Music, South Pacific, A Star is Born (1976).

9. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with: HAIR, Hedwig and The Angry Inch.

10. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see: Orphée AND La Belle et Le Bete by Jean Cocteau, Wages of Fear AND Diabolique by Henri Clouzot, Blade Runner, Man Facing Southeast, Careful He Might Here You, Safe, Vertigo AND Psycho by Alfred Hitchcock.

11. Name a movie that you own: Just about everything previously listed.

12. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops: Greg Kinnear.

13. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in theatre: Of course!  MANY!

14. Ever made out in a movie? Oh please, who hasn't?

15. Ever walked out of a movie: Jagged Edge (I was so disgusted by the first scene, I bailed!), Silence of the Lambs (I walked in with an attitude... I have since learned to LOVE it!), and my pal Nadya and I walked out of that stupid piece of shit, Moulin Rouge.  We looked at each other and both said, "Do you want to get out of here?"

16. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater: Who came up with these stupid fucking questions?  I have cried at just about every movie that I have listed so far.  I cried at Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

17. Popcorn?: Yes and Red Vines please!

18. How often do you go to the movies: Not often enough... A few times a month maybe?

19. What’s the last movie you saw in the theater: I Am Number Four. (It was number 2!)

20. What is your favorite/preferred genre of movie: I love suspense movies.

21. What was the first movie you remember seeing in the theater: All those Disney movies that make you burst into tears when the parent dies: Dumbo, Bambi, etc.

22. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed:The Cell (yes, with Jennifer Lopez!), Drag Me To Hell, Eyes Wide Shut, Identity, Inception.

23. What is the scariest movie you’ve ever seen: For roller coaster thrill kind of scares, Poltergeist.  For creep factor, Blair Witch Project.  For sheer terror, Glitter starring Mariah Carey.

24. What is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen: Death Becomes Her, Paper Moon, Postcards From The Edge, Young Frankenstein.

FIVE WEIRD HABITS

Okay, as usual, I stole this idea from my slusband (that stands for Straight Lady hUSBAND), Muffy Bolding...

1. After almost every phone call, after I have pleasantly said "goodbye" and disconnected from the call, I say either, "Fuck off," "Eat shit" or "Cunt" -- out loud.  This doesn't mean that I don't love the person I was just conversing with, quite the opposite actually.  The truth is, it just makes me feel good.  It’s a release.  It's my little secret.  Well, it was a secret until I put it in print for the whopping 17 people who actually read this blog to see!

2. I cannot and will not leave anything in the wastebasket in my bathroom.  A single tissue or Q-tip must be removed immediately.  And when I go to someone else's house, it bothers me to no end to see wadded-up Kleenex, yellowy used cotton swabs -- or worse -- staring up at me in their lavatory.  Disgusting!  Almost as disgusting as using the word “lavatory” -- I mean, who do I think I am?  Some uppity flight attendant?

3. I clean the toilet after each use.  No, I do not pull out toxic cleaning products, rubber gloves and a scrub brush -- but I do make sure there is nothing left on, in or around the commode.  It only takes a few seconds, people.  Keep in mind, this kind of OCD was passed onto me from my mother (who was raised in an Italian convent!) who also taught my brother and myself to aim for the side of the toilet bowl so as not to make a disturbing noise by peeing right into the water.  I mean, God forbid anyone knows I have a penis, right?  And now, ironically, no one does.

4. I take a hot bath every day, sometimes twice.  This ritual, and spending quality time with my dogs, is the only thing that keeps me sane.  I either read The National Enquirer or play Words With Friends on my iPhone.  And baths do not take the place of a shower.  Baths are for relaxing, showers are for washing.

5. I like my foods and beverages piping hot.  The moment my coffee is made, the cup goes right into the microwave until it's scalding.  I hate soup that doesn't resemble lava and at restaurants I often send it back to be nuked.  Coffee and soup are supposed to be served hot, thank you very much.

BONUS WEIRD HABIT: When I am getting ready for a show, the first step in my beauty regiment is to shave.  This, depending on how long it’s been since the last time I’ve done drag, can be quite a process.  It involves getting into a very hot shower and shaving my face (down, then up, then diagonally to the left, then diagonally to the right) until it’s completely smooth.  Then I shave my knuckles (yep!), forearms, shoulders (I know, I know) and chest.  When I am all done, I turn the hot water to ice cold and, while my pores are closing and I am being blasted awake, I sum up the evening -- out loud: “Saturday night!  Sold out show!  Casita del Campo!  8 PM!”  I usually also state how much money I will be making and any other important details.  It’s really crazy, huh?

JUST ONE MORE BECAUSE I’M AN OVERACHIEVER: I think the strangest thing I do is occasionally I will track down one of my faithful readers and then kill them and eat them.  What?

MY TOP TEN MUSIC VIDEOS OF ALL TIME

A veritable feast for the eyes (and ears!), these videos are my favorites for various reasons...
(Click on each title to watch)

10. BLACK HOLE SUN by SOUNDGARDEN

This classic really scratches that "hidden Hell within suburbia" itch that I love so much.

9. KNIFE by GRIZZLY BEAR

Blows me away.

8. LOVE IS A STRANGER by EURYTHMICS

THIS is how you do The '80s, honey.

7. DANGER! HIGH VOLTAGE by ELECTRIC SIX

Just plain wrong.  Sick & brilliant in every way.  And the song is GENIUS!

6. KARMA POLICE by RADIOHEAD

Proof that all you need is one really good, simple idea and then to execute it properly.

5. EVERLONG by FOO FIGHTERS

J'adore.

4. THIS IS HARDCORE by PULP

Haunting, aching, sexy and ultimately very VERY sad.

3. BACHELORETTE by BJORK

Better than most full-length feature films they make today.  I cannot watch this without bawling.

2. WHEN I GROW UP by FEVER RAY

I cannot explain it, but there is some kind of special magic infused into every frame of this.

1. BIRDS by VITALIC

My all-time favorite.  The dogs know they are fierce and sexy.  They also emit a quiet dignity.  I could watch this over and over and over and...

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

FEEL THE LOVE!

Oh my God, it’s Valentine’s Day!  This is the day, of course, when we celebrate those wonderful warm feelings that we feel for others.  I love Valentine’s Day!  The only day I love more is the day after Valentine’s Day -- when all that unsold candy at the drug store is half off!

To celebrate this national Dia de la Amor, I thought I would try to go a little deeper than usual and really express what I truly love.  It seems to me that in this country, at this time, and especially within the gay community -- it is so difficult to love someone or something.  Sure, we skate along the surface: mistaking sex for love, buying expensive designer sunglasses that we think we love, screaming out loud like a little girl that we love a Lady Gaga song the moment we hear it in a club even though it’s actually really bad and we are simply drunk or high and prone to loving just about anything and everything.  Yes, it’s easy to throw that four-letter word around when we’re within our comfort zone, but rarely do we truly make ourselves vulnerable and say, “I Love You!”

Well, I am going to do just that!  And I cannot think of any better way than to literally “spell it out” for all you love-challenged folks out there.  Don’t be afraid, love is beautiful!  Hold onto your hearts, here we go...

L is for Large -- as in Large penises.  I LOVE large penises!  Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with average or even small penises, I simply prefer large ones and that is my right as an American.  Remember, our brave men and women are overseas right now fighting for our rights, and that includes my right to love large penises.  And I do!

O is for Oral Sex.  I just love Oral Sex, don’t you?  I especially love Oral Sex when it involves a large penis.  Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem performing Oral Sex on average or even small penises, I simply prefer to chow down on a large one.  Remember, Jesus Christ died on the cross so we could all do what we want.  And I want to perform Oral Sex on large penises.  And I do!

V is for Very Large Penises.  Love ‘em!  But please do not get the wrong idea about me.  I am open to meeting and yes, possibly even falling in love with, just about anyone.  See, I fall in love the PERSON, not just a very narrow list of rather specific physical attributes.  It just so happens that if you are a hot young horse hung Mexican gentleman who works the drive-up window at El Pollo Loco in black polyester pants that are two sizes too small, I am all but guaranteed to fall in love with you.  That’s my choice as an American for whom Jesus died.

E is for Extremely Enormous Penises.  At first, I was a bit wary to go here, but this article is about love and I will not apologize for what I love.  I can’t and I won’t.  After all, our gay brethren fought at Stonewall so we as gay people could be free.  And I am free to love Extremely Enormous penises.  We’re talking about those guys who look like maybe they hit someone over the head while God was passing out cock and then got in line twice or maybe even three times.  I think the technical term for what I’m referring to is “Monster Cock.”  Hey, the heart wants what the heart wants, right?

So there you have it, what I love!  I said it loudly and proudly, without shame or guilt, and it feels good.  No, it feels GREAT!  So if you share my love for any of the above, may I suggest that to celebrate Valentine’s Day you perhaps rent a Chad Hunt DVD, visit hugedudesblogspot.com or go have some fun at my pal Mario Diaz’s pit of filth, Big Fat Dick every Thursday night at Fubar.  After all, it’s your right!

Otherwise, Jesus died for NOTHING!

YOU'D BETTER WORK!

Too much time on my hands!

I starred in the hilariously campy horror film "Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver", toured the country with my sold out annual holiday show, wrote on the pilot presentation of "Love or Hate" starring Ross Mathews & Heather McDonald for E!, performed with my band Dirty Sanchez for the closing night of Miss Kitty's and now a dry spell!  I NEED WORK, PEOPLE!

"Idle hands are the devil's workshop."  please don't let Old Scratch make me do something I shall regret!

BRING JACKIE TO YOUR CABARET, BAR OR CLUB!

THE THIRD & FOURTH HORSES OF THE APOCALYPSE?

Today is a dark day for entertainment...

VERY dark...

MY TOP 10 FEMALE MOVIE FASHIONS OF ALL TIME!

Today’s blog was "inspired" by Michael Musto's recent feature in the The Village Voice

Please keep in mind that, in many cases, the stellar performance of the particular lady who just happens to be wearing the frock in question was taken into account -- with the obvious exception of Number 7!

10. Gloria Swanson as Norma Desmond in SUNSET BOULEVARD (1950):

Designed by Edith Head, Norma’s final look is as the titular character in her doomed comeback, “Salome.”  Having murdered her much-younger gigolo lover, police pretend they are shooting a movie to lure the bonkers has-been down the stairs and into a waiting squad car.  This costume is gorgeous -- simultaneously bohemian, exotic and glamorous.  Add a few body sequins to catch the light and Norma is indeed ready for her close-up!

9. The Stepford Wives in THE STEPFORD WIVES (1975)
Designed by Anna Hill Johnstone, these floor-length floral monstrosities with floppy picture hats are equal parts "Little House on the Prairie" and Holly Hobbie.  When director Bryan Forbes cast his wife Nanette Newman (NOT a twentysomething and NOT a size 2) in the role of Carol Van Sant ("I'll just DIE if I don't get this recipe!"), the Stepford Wife look promptly shifted from Playboy Bunny perfection to Victorian virtue complete with white gloves.  The final scene features The Wives exchanging pleasantries while gliding their gleaming shopping carts through a temperature-controlled supermarket as horrible muzak plays.  Chilling.

8. Celeste Holm as Karen Richards in ALL ABOUT EVE (1950)
Costumes by Charles LeMaire (NOTE: Edith Head only did Bette Davis’ costumes).  Although the film (and all stills) are in black and white, I imagine this gorgeous dress to be an orangey Oriental red.  I love the vaguely Mandarin bejeweled bodice and the tiered crepe skirt.  A big-city, mid-century, shamelessly beautiful upper middle class white lady’s idea of “exotic!” (By the way, in case you are a complete idiot who has never seen this movie, that's Celeste below, on the right!)

7. Raquel Welch as Loana in 1 MILLION YEARS BC (1966)
Designed by Carl Toms.  Sometimes less is more.  Proof that people are born gay (because any little boy -- or girl for that matter -- who sees THIS growing up and still wants to sleep with men is clearly hard-wired that way!)

6. Sean Young as Rachael in BLADE RUNNER (1982)
Costumes by Michael Kaplan and Charles Knode. The past and the future collide in this breathtaking outfit that screams “Joan Crawford was a robot!”  On a personal note, I cannot think of anything more sad than suddenly realizing that you are indeed merely a machine.  Or NOT realizing it, which explains my obsession with “The Stepford Wives.”  Ignorance may be bliss, but I would actually prefer to be occasionally unhappy --  and human.

5. Elizabeth Taylor as Angela Vickers in A PLACE IN THE SUN (1951)
An obvious choice, designed by the sunglass-sporting queen of the tweed pencil skirts, Edith Head.  This stunning creation was reportedly one of the most knocked-off designs in the history of all movie gowns.  A vision in white, La Liz succeeded in being the complete antithesis of dowdy, frumpy, whiny AND pregnant Shelley Winters.  A look to KILL for -- well, at least Montgomery Clift’s character thought so!

4. Jane Fonda as Barbarella in BARBARELLA (1968)
Designed by Jacques Fonteray and Paco Rabanne (credited as Paco Rabane).  I adore the 1960’s interpretation of the future.  Space age sex kitten, these boots were made for walkin’ -- on the moon!  This look -- and all the others Ms. Fonda rocked in this amazing film -- are, quite literally, “out of this world” and “far out!”

3. Anne Bancroft as Mrs. Robinson in THE GRADUATE (1967)
Designed by Patricia Zipprodt.  The original cougar was obviously a leopard!  That iconic swing coat with matching pillbox hat made it very clear that Mrs. Robinson was a carnivore on the hunt!  When she removes the animal pelt to reveal a still-sexy body in a black bra and half slip, you know it’s all over for poor Benjamin.  And don’t even get me started on those streaks of caramel in her coffee-colored hair...  Me-ouch!

2. Sissy Spacek as Carrie White in CARRIE (1976)
Designed by Rosanna Norton.  Simple enough to showcase the ugly duckling’s true beauty, this dress is like a blank canvas on which DePalma will splatter his best Jackson Pollock Rorschach.  In the DVD extras actress Piper Laurie who played Carrie’s mother, Margaret, explained that the dress was supposed to be red, but pink looked better against Sissy Spacek’s skin.  When she first said the line, “Red. I might’ve know it would be red”  the script supervisor immediately pointed out the mistake, but Piper refused to change the line, realizing that to her religious character, the dress was indeed Jezebel red.  Brilliant.  And brilliant foreshadowing too, since the dress does eventually become the reddest of reds at the ill-fated prom.

1. Pamela Sue Martin as Susan Shelby in THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE (1972)
Designed by Paul Zastupnevich.  Speaking of red... I am red with rage that more photos of this vermillion high-waisted maxi skirt and whiter-than-white blouse with super-poof sleeves do not exist online!  I adore how this voluminous skirt looked and sounded as Pamela’s character jumped from a table (now on the ceiling!) into a makeshift safety net fashioned from hideous harvest gold cruise ship draperies.  And when it came time to climb up the enormous metal Christmas tree and she was matter-of-factly told (by a preacher in a turtleneck, no less!), “You can’t climb in that long skirt” -- without missing a beat she ripped it off with the flair of a matador, revealing a pair of skintight matching short shorts.  I actually let out a nelly little gasp in the movie theater in Scottsdale, Arizona.  Needless to say, this was the EXACT moment I knew that I was gay.  The shorts were up for auction a few years ago and, sadly, my $500 bid was not enough to win them.  (Even crazy has a budget, honey!)

A FACE-TO-FACE WITH FACEBOOK

Hello Facebook, please have a seat.  We need to talk.

Despite the fact that we haven’t been “friends” for very long, it suddenly dawned on me that I cannot imagine living my life without you -- and that scares me.  You know I love you, but if this relationship is going to continue, we need to clear up a few things...  First of all, let me just say one word: MySpace.  I bet that sends a chill up your social networking spine, huh?  I only mention this because if I get one more invite to yet another underwear party, drag pageant, karaoke night and/or AIDS-themed comedy show that is taking place HALF WAY ACROSS THE FUCKING COUNTRY, I am going to lose it!  Please Facebook, do not turn into MySpace -- which now resembles that big scary swirling mass of garbage in the Pacific Ocean that may or may not really exist.

Second, I think you’re great, but you’re also quite the shit-stirrer.  I have noticed that you really love drama and causing trouble between me and my fake friends (aka fans).  See, I am a comedian and sometimes I will post a comment that would be super funny if a smart person heard it, but when a semi-retarded person reads it, all hell breaks loose.  Like the time I posted “It’s official, I am OVER Betty White!”... You’d have thought I brutally murdered the 89 year-old national treasure and sodomized her corpse.  I got death threats!  It was just a joke, people.  And right after fitness legend Jack Lalanne died and I posted “So much for diet and exercise, huh?” I cannot tell you how many IDIOTS felt the need to point out -- in angry, rambling comments chockfull of misspelled words -- that he actually lived a very long and healthy life.  Thank you so much for setting me straight.  Along with obesity and meth-addiction, America’s newest epidemic is obviously irony-poor blood.

And you are really bad at keeping secrets aren’t you?  Thankfully, I have never been the victim of one of those burglars I keep hearing about -- the ones who use you, Facebook, to figure out when I will be out of town so they can ransack my house and steal all my useless but charming owl figurines.  But I have been caught in many lies, thanks to you.  If a friend needs to be picked up at the airport or is having a moving and/or painting party -- or my ultimate pet peeve: someone asks me to perform in full drag for little or no money --  I used to be able to decline explaining that, “Unfortunately, I will be out of town” or “Sadly, I am otherwise engaged.”  Two weeks later, when I am sitting on my fat ass at home, surrounded by a veritable smorgasbord of sweet and salty snacks, watching an old movie I’ve already seen a dozen times and I mindlessly share this fact with my “friends” -- along with the horrible jokes and the many “sounds like fun” and “so jealous” comments comes the inevitable “I thought you were performing in Africa this weekend?”  Busted!  Then I have to back pedal and start building a complex web of lies by indignantly explaining that I’m watching the movie via Netflix on my laptop beneath a mosquito net, etc.  

You used to be so much fun, but ever since they made that movie about you, you’ve turned into a real asshole.  And just when I thought you couldn't possibly get any more annoying, that movie is nominated for an Oscar and you prove me wrong!  I bet that guy James Franco played, the one who drank his own pee and cut off his own arm with a pen knife, is still very nice.  Have you ever noticed that people with one arm are always nice?

And speaking of being an asshole, while it is certainly not my natural tendency, you just make it so easy.  As I mentioned earlier, Facebook is like a sea of easily-offended, humorless, ultra-touchy people with way too much time on their hands.  If it’s not one of my snarky and judgmental status updates or an anti-Lady Gaga rant, then it’s because I cropped a photo that somebody snapped or I merely commented on their new default photo with the word “Gross!”  And guess what?  I often find myself getting offended, too!  I think the problem lies in the fact that, while you are called “Facebook”, one cannot see the face (or hear the tone of voice for that matter) of the person with whom they are interacting.  So it stands to reason that one may not immediately realize upon reading it that “Sarah Palin would make a great president” was meant as a joke.  And the moment you think you’ve figured this out and reply with “LOL!” it turns out that -- PLOT TWIST -- they were NOT joking and then you are FLAGGED, UNFRIENDED and/or BLOCKED -- which, of course, is the cyber equivalent to being BLACKLISTED, QUARANTINED and/or KILLED! (Which, by the way, is still better than being friends -- fake or otherwise -- with anyone who actually thinks that Sarah Palin would make a great ANYTHING!)

So Facebook, get your shit together.  Or I will do something truly revolutionary and go back to the way things used to be when I had a handful of real friends as opposed to 5000 fake ones.  That’s right, I will call them on the phone to talk about our lives and actually meet up with them every so often for lunch or maybe even a movie.

Thank you for meeting with me today.  Yes, we’re done here.  You may leave now.  Oh, and on your way out, can you please send Grindr in?