A FACE-TO-FACE WITH FACEBOOK

Hello Facebook, please have a seat.  We need to talk.

Despite the fact that we haven’t been “friends” for very long, it suddenly dawned on me that I cannot imagine living my life without you -- and that scares me.  You know I love you, but if this relationship is going to continue, we need to clear up a few things...  First of all, let me just say one word: MySpace.  I bet that sends a chill up your social networking spine, huh?  I only mention this because if I get one more invite to yet another underwear party, drag pageant, karaoke night and/or AIDS-themed comedy show that is taking place HALF WAY ACROSS THE FUCKING COUNTRY, I am going to lose it!  Please Facebook, do not turn into MySpace -- which now resembles that big scary swirling mass of garbage in the Pacific Ocean that may or may not really exist.

Second, I think you’re great, but you’re also quite the shit-stirrer.  I have noticed that you really love drama and causing trouble between me and my fake friends (aka fans).  See, I am a comedian and sometimes I will post a comment that would be super funny if a smart person heard it, but when a semi-retarded person reads it, all hell breaks loose.  Like the time I posted “It’s official, I am OVER Betty White!”... You’d have thought I brutally murdered the 89 year-old national treasure and sodomized her corpse.  I got death threats!  It was just a joke, people.  And right after fitness legend Jack Lalanne died and I posted “So much for diet and exercise, huh?” I cannot tell you how many IDIOTS felt the need to point out -- in angry, rambling comments chockfull of misspelled words -- that he actually lived a very long and healthy life.  Thank you so much for setting me straight.  Along with obesity and meth-addiction, America’s newest epidemic is obviously irony-poor blood.

And you are really bad at keeping secrets aren’t you?  Thankfully, I have never been the victim of one of those burglars I keep hearing about -- the ones who use you, Facebook, to figure out when I will be out of town so they can ransack my house and steal all my useless but charming owl figurines.  But I have been caught in many lies, thanks to you.  If a friend needs to be picked up at the airport or is having a moving and/or painting party -- or my ultimate pet peeve: someone asks me to perform in full drag for little or no money --  I used to be able to decline explaining that, “Unfortunately, I will be out of town” or “Sadly, I am otherwise engaged.”  Two weeks later, when I am sitting on my fat ass at home, surrounded by a veritable smorgasbord of sweet and salty snacks, watching an old movie I’ve already seen a dozen times and I mindlessly share this fact with my “friends” -- along with the horrible jokes and the many “sounds like fun” and “so jealous” comments comes the inevitable “I thought you were performing in Africa this weekend?”  Busted!  Then I have to back pedal and start building a complex web of lies by indignantly explaining that I’m watching the movie via Netflix on my laptop beneath a mosquito net, etc.  

You used to be so much fun, but ever since they made that movie about you, you’ve turned into a real asshole.  And just when I thought you couldn't possibly get any more annoying, that movie is nominated for an Oscar and you prove me wrong!  I bet that guy James Franco played, the one who drank his own pee and cut off his own arm with a pen knife, is still very nice.  Have you ever noticed that people with one arm are always nice?

And speaking of being an asshole, while it is certainly not my natural tendency, you just make it so easy.  As I mentioned earlier, Facebook is like a sea of easily-offended, humorless, ultra-touchy people with way too much time on their hands.  If it’s not one of my snarky and judgmental status updates or an anti-Lady Gaga rant, then it’s because I cropped a photo that somebody snapped or I merely commented on their new default photo with the word “Gross!”  And guess what?  I often find myself getting offended, too!  I think the problem lies in the fact that, while you are called “Facebook”, one cannot see the face (or hear the tone of voice for that matter) of the person with whom they are interacting.  So it stands to reason that one may not immediately realize upon reading it that “Sarah Palin would make a great president” was meant as a joke.  And the moment you think you’ve figured this out and reply with “LOL!” it turns out that -- PLOT TWIST -- they were NOT joking and then you are FLAGGED, UNFRIENDED and/or BLOCKED -- which, of course, is the cyber equivalent to being BLACKLISTED, QUARANTINED and/or KILLED! (Which, by the way, is still better than being friends -- fake or otherwise -- with anyone who actually thinks that Sarah Palin would make a great ANYTHING!)

So Facebook, get your shit together.  Or I will do something truly revolutionary and go back to the way things used to be when I had a handful of real friends as opposed to 5000 fake ones.  That’s right, I will call them on the phone to talk about our lives and actually meet up with them every so often for lunch or maybe even a movie.

Thank you for meeting with me today.  Yes, we’re done here.  You may leave now.  Oh, and on your way out, can you please send Grindr in?