I WANT A NEW DRUG!

There are two kinds of depression: First there is that general malaise that can only be eased by drugs, whether they be of the expensive prescription variety or the God-only-knows-what-you’re-getting type available on the street. Second, there is an economic Depression -- with a capital d -- like when the stock market crashed in 1929 and people had to get real creative and do things like make a meal out of nothing but a FREE glass of hot water with a generous dollop of FREE ketchup!  Well, as far as I am concerned, we are in The New Depression and we have to get creative again.  I mean, how is a bitch supposed to escape from the harsh realities of this crazy world when she ain’t got no change clinkin’ around in her pockets?  Here are some amazingly crafty ways to get high when you are low -- in spirits AND funds! (PLEASE NOTE: I do not do drugs and I do not condone drug use!  This is a tongue-in-cheek look at the lengths to which some people will go to get their buzz on...)

Add a little umbrella and mouthwash becomes BRAINWASH!

I MAY BE DRUNK, BUT AT LEAST I HAVE FRESH BREATH: Drinking mouthwash to get drunk sounds funny, until you go online and read page after page of heartbreaking accounts from people -- mostly friends or family of those who have died from doing it. The average alcohol content for most commercial beers and malt liquors is between three percent and eight percent.  Most mouthwash brands contains between 21.6 percent and 26.9 percent alcohol. This stuff will kill you, people. I know times are tough, but when you look up and say, “I am guzzling no-name mouthwash from the 99 Cents Only Store” maybe just maybe something is horribly wrong. I suggest you take a shower, put on some clean clothes, comb your hair, brush your teeth and gargle a little mouthwash (no swallowing!) and get out there and charm the pants off the world!  In other words, and this is the beginning of a pattern here, USING AN ITEM FOR ITS INTENDED PURPOSE IS MUCH BETTER THAN TRYING TO GET HIGH WITH IT!

"Hey, wait a minute... This feels really good!"

YOU MUST BE CHOKING: According to one website: “It's a potentially fatal pastime known by many names -- the blackout game, the pass-out game and most commonly the "choking game." The activity, which is gaining popularity among preteens and teenagers across the country, requires that a youngster choke himself or another person to get high. The activity creates an euphoric state as blood rushes back to the brain.”  Okay, let’s get this straight, don’t do anything to yourself that a homicidal maniac might do if they abducted you! Certainly there are much better things you can think of doing with your hands, no? How about some good old-fashioned masturbation? It’s free and no one gets hurt.

I've heard of "bathtub gin," but BATHTUB COKE!?

CALGON, TAKE ME AWAY: Names like Ivory Wave, Red Dove and Vanilla High sound so nice!  But the news stories associated with the improper use of these legal bath salts are anything but! One user sliced his own face and stomach with a skinning knife and another raped a goat  to death. According to reports, snorting, smoking or injecting bath salts can cause an amphetamine-like high. The irony here is that if a person simply sprinkled it into a bathtub filled with hot water (and maybe popped in an Enya CD?), it might help them relax and soak away their troubles. But instead they are opting to snort the aforementioned perfumed powders in order to become a paranoid, tweaking mess who wants to either filet themselves or violate an adorable animal. Quick question: How come it’s always the jobless people with nothing to do but watch Maury who feel the need to stay up for days at a time? The next time you snort some bath salts, come on over to my house and I will pay you a shiny new quarter per hour to clean the entire place with a toothbrush. Deal?

The #2 most poopular way to get high for free!?

YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP: Well, actually you can!  According to Wikipedia, “Jenkem is a hallucinogenic recreational drug composed of noxious gas formed from fermented sewage.” Many people think that the Jenkem craze is merely a hoax, but I have seen way too many photos of kids hovering over murky Mountain Dew bottles to believe it isn’t the drug of choice for at least a very small, very poor segment of the poopulation (incorrect spelling AND pun very much intended).  Here’s how you make and use Jenkem: Put some of your poop in an empty 2 liter soda bottle, pee into the bottle (just enough to cover that poop!), place a balloon over the top of the bottle and wait for it to fill with precious, mind-numbing methane gas!  Inhale the contents of the balloon and breath in the glamour!  Now, I suppose it doesn’t have to be your own poop and pee, but if you’re going to essentially eat a manufactured, concentrated fart wouldn’t you want it to at least be from your very own body?  I mean, sure you may be getting high from toxic shit vapors, but have a some class, right?

So to recap: Poop in a toilet, take a hot bath, swish some Scope around in your mouth before any social functions and masturbate as much as you want.  Follow these simple rules and you will be a healthy, happy person!