WHY GAY PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO GET MARRIED!

PLEASE NOTE: THIS WAS WRITTEN YEARS AGO, BUT IN LIGHT OF NYC'S HISTORIC MOVE, I THINK IT'S TIME FOR THIS GEM TO BE RE-RUN!

Listen up gays!  I know you want to get married, but I'm sorry, it just ain't gonna happen!  Although I appreciate your predicament, let me explain something to you.  The institution of marriage is sacred because the union between a man and a woman is a miraculous and amazing thing.  Some things are so rare and beautiful that they must be placed on a pedestal and given unquestioned respect and reverance by society.  Sex between a man and a woman is one of those things.  I mean, have you ever heard of a heterosexual couple doing it in the back of a limo on prom night, crudely videotaping their lovemaking or inviting complete strangers to join them in the bedroom?  No, of course not!  Have you ever heard of a man forcing himself on a woman who has clearly said “no” or a female teacher having sex with one of her 14 year-old male students?  Cases like these are simply unheard of.  Why?  Because, unlike you and your gay partner, God is present within each heterosexual relationship.  And that is why you will never hear horror strories such as a man killing his pregnant wife on Christmas Eve and dumping her headless body and that of their unborn son into the San Francisco bay.  It just doesn’t happen.

If you need further proof that “normal” straight marriage is sacred, all one has to do is look to the stars.  No, not the heavenly stars above -- the trend-setting stars in Hollywood.  Take for instance the female performer Jennifer Lopez.  Her marriage to the male pop singer Marc Anthony is a glorious thing in God’s eyes.  So was her first marriage to Ojani Noa.  And her second to Cris Judd.  And I’m sure God will smile upon her next marriage, too.  And who could watch five minutes of “Britney & Kevin: Chaotic” or "John & Kate Plus Eight" or "The Bachelor" and not see the quiet dignity of marriage?  And the vagina-sporting actress Renee Zellweger’s marriage to the penis-equipped country singer Kenny Chesney is also a golden example.  So are Woody Allen and his one-time adopted daughter and now wife Soon-Yi. As are Anna Nicole Smith and J. Howard Marshall II, who was 60 years her senior.  Want even more evidence?  How about one of my all-time favorite married couples -- film director Peter Bogdanovich and Louise Hoogstratten -- who is not only 29 years younger than him, but had plastic surgery to look more like her sister, doomed Playboy centerfold Dorothy Stratten, with whom Bogdanovich had an affair before her enraged husband blew her brains out with a shot gun and sodomized her dead body.  Add to this all the green card marriages, mail-order brides, reality show love connections, Mormon polygamists and women who marry serial killers on death row and the argument is settled once and for all.  Can’t you just hear the birds singing while God nods with approval?  So you see, this is why you as a defective homosexual cannot get married.  It’s just not right.  Not when you step back, take a good look at marriage and realize just how sacred it really is.

WHY GAY PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO GET MARRIED!

PLEASE NOTE: THIS WAS WRITTEN YEARS AGO, BUT IN LIGHT OF NYC'S HISTORIC MOVE, I THINK IT'S TIME FOR THIS GEM TO BE RE-RUN!

Listen up gays!  I know you want to get married, but I'm sorry, it just ain't gonna happen!  Although I appreciate your predicament, let me explain something to you.  The institution of marriage is sacred because the union between a man and a woman is a miraculous and amazing thing.  Some things are so rare and beautiful that they must be placed on a pedestal and given unquestioned respect and reverance by society.  Sex between a man and a woman is one of those things.  I mean, have you ever heard of a heterosexual couple doing it in the back of a limo on prom night, crudely videotaping their lovemaking or inviting complete strangers to join them in the bedroom?  No, of course not!  Have you ever heard of a man forcing himself on a woman who has clearly said “no” or a female teacher having sex with one of her 14 year-old male students?  Cases like these are simply unheard of.  Why?  Because, unlike you and your gay partner, God is present within each heterosexual relationship.  And that is why you will never hear horror strories such as a man killing his pregnant wife on Christmas Eve and dumping her headless body and that of their unborn son into the San Francisco bay.  It just doesn’t happen.

If you need further proof that “normal” straight marriage is sacred, all one has to do is look to the stars.  No, not the heavenly stars above -- the trend-setting stars in Hollywood.  Take for instance the female performer Jennifer Lopez.  Her marriage to the male pop singer Marc Anthony is a glorious thing in God’s eyes.  So was her first marriage to Ojani Noa.  And her second to Cris Judd.  And I’m sure God will smile upon her next marriage, too.  And who could watch five minutes of “Britney & Kevin: Chaotic” or "John & Kate Plus Eight" or "The Bachelor" and not see the quiet dignity of marriage?  And the vagina-sporting actress Renee Zellweger’s marriage to the penis-equipped country singer Kenny Chesney is also a golden example.  So are Woody Allen and his one-time adopted daughter and now wife Soon-Yi. As are Anna Nicole Smith and J. Howard Marshall II, who was 60 years her senior.  Want even more evidence?  How about one of my all-time favorite married couples -- film director Peter Bogdanovich and Louise Hoogstratten -- who is not only 29 years younger than him, but had plastic surgery to look more like her sister, doomed Playboy centerfold Dorothy Stratten, with whom Bogdanovich had an affair before her enraged husband blew her brains out with a shot gun and sodomized her dead body.  Add to this all the green card marriages, mail-order brides, reality show love connections, Mormon polygamists and women who marry serial killers on death row and the argument is settled once and for all.  Can’t you just hear the birds singing while God nods with approval?  So you see, this is why you as a defective homosexual cannot get married.  It’s just not right.  Not when you step back, take a good look at marriage and realize just how sacred it really is.

LIFE WITHOUT GLAMOUR? NO THANK YOU!

A dear friend of mine, Mr. Damon Devine, is a celebrity makeup artist who used to do the flawless maquillage of the infamously talented and glamorous Incan songbird, Yma Sumac.  When she became ill, he was there for her -- as a friend AND a makeup magician -- even painting her still-stunning face while in the hospital.  When she passed, he was put in charge of all her exotic and breathtaking worldly possessions.  Anything Yma wore in a publicity photo or on an album cover would, obviously, be put up for auction.  Some of the less famous (but by no means less glamorous!) pieces are, thankfully, making their way into the hearts and closets of myself and some of LA's most fashionable personalities and/or performers.

Miss Yma Sumac being idolized by her adoring fans.

A few pairs of tiny vintage Sling-O-Back shoes fit my gal pal, Selene Luna, like a glove.  An amazing purple ensemble consisting of hot pants, matching long hostess jacket (open in the front a la Lucille Ball) with rhinestone buttons and a corresponding belt (with uber chunky rhinestone belt buckle!) was adopted by funny lady (with a body of DEATH!), Nadya Ginsburg.  A black and turquoise mod geometric costume jewelry necklace went to the oh-so-chic Jonona Amor.  And a string of iridescent black beads are now sitting proudly just above the cleavage of writer/actress Muffy Bolding.  Needless to say, all these fabulous ladies are thrilled to own these beautiful items and to help keep the magic of Ms. Sumac alive.

I can feel Yma's unmistakable glamour when I wear her ocelot caftan!

As is the case with most women, Yma's weight (along with her striking glamour!) increased a bit with age and as a result, there exist in her collection everything from the tiniest of form-fitting outfits to the most comfortable and forgiving diaphanous garments.  I am the proud owner of several of her muumuus or caftans, two of which are shown here on both the legendary Yma herself in photos from back in the day -- and on myself, out of drag and bearded, trying them on for size.

As a vintage clothing freak, I really LOVE the fact that Yma's garments were outrageously beautiful AND in fabulous shape!  NOTHING SMELLED OF CIGARETTE SMOKE, THANK YOU! (Just look at this Goddess!)

I, too, am simply over-the-moon to be the proud owner of some of Yma's enduring glamour.  As far as I am concerned, glamour makes life worth living!  Looking through her wardrobe, it's no wonder that V Magazine recently named Yma Sumac one of the top Muses of the World of the 21st Century!  But it is her loving spirit towards animals, her imperious diva-like star attitude and, of course, her peerless singing voice that will live forever.  Do yourself a favor and watch some Yma Sumac on YouTube and go get some of her music.  Put it on while you clean the house or run your errands.

A simple day look. Perhaps I will wear it on my next run to Trader Joe's!?

Remember, glamour makes life worth living.  And Yma was glamour incarnate!