PLEASE NOTE: THIS WAS WRITTEN YEARS AGO, BUT IN LIGHT OF NYC'S HISTORIC MOVE, I THINK IT'S TIME FOR THIS GEM TO BE RE-RUN!
Listen up gays! I know you want to get married, but I'm sorry, it just ain't gonna happen! Although I appreciate your predicament, let me explain something to you. The institution of marriage is sacred because the union between a man and a woman is a miraculous and amazing thing. Some things are so rare and beautiful that they must be placed on a pedestal and given unquestioned respect and reverance by society. Sex between a man and a woman is one of those things. I mean, have you ever heard of a heterosexual couple doing it in the back of a limo on prom night, crudely videotaping their lovemaking or inviting complete strangers to join them in the bedroom? No, of course not! Have you ever heard of a man forcing himself on a woman who has clearly said “no” or a female teacher having sex with one of her 14 year-old male students? Cases like these are simply unheard of. Why? Because, unlike you and your gay partner, God is present within each heterosexual relationship. And that is why you will never hear horror strories such as a man killing his pregnant wife on Christmas Eve and dumping her headless body and that of their unborn son into the San Francisco bay. It just doesn’t happen.
If you need further proof that “normal” straight marriage is sacred, all one has to do is look to the stars. No, not the heavenly stars above -- the trend-setting stars in Hollywood. Take for instance the female performer Jennifer Lopez. Her marriage to the male pop singer Marc Anthony is a glorious thing in God’s eyes. So was her first marriage to Ojani Noa. And her second to Cris Judd. And I’m sure God will smile upon her next marriage, too. And who could watch five minutes of “Britney & Kevin: Chaotic” or "John & Kate Plus Eight" or "The Bachelor" and not see the quiet dignity of marriage? And the vagina-sporting actress Renee Zellweger’s marriage to the penis-equipped country singer Kenny Chesney is also a golden example. So are Woody Allen and his one-time adopted daughter and now wife Soon-Yi. As are Anna Nicole Smith and J. Howard Marshall II, who was 60 years her senior. Want even more evidence? How about one of my all-time favorite married couples -- film director Peter Bogdanovich and Louise Hoogstratten -- who is not only 29 years younger than him, but had plastic surgery to look more like her sister, doomed Playboy centerfold Dorothy Stratten, with whom Bogdanovich had an affair before her enraged husband blew her brains out with a shot gun and sodomized her dead body. Add to this all the green card marriages, mail-order brides, reality show love connections, Mormon polygamists and women who marry serial killers on death row and the argument is settled once and for all. Can’t you just hear the birds singing while God nods with approval? So you see, this is why you as a defective homosexual cannot get married. It’s just not right. Not when you step back, take a good look at marriage and realize just how sacred it really is.