Thursday, January 20, 2011

I AM NOW A POD PERSON!



If you would like to listen to the latest pod cast of GLITTER IN THE GARBAGE starring
Drew Droege (Chloe, Planet Unicorn), Melanie Hutsell (SNL) and myself please click HERE!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

YOU REALLY FIND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE -- WHEN YOU'RE DEAD!

You are no doubt familiar with "sexting," but do you know what "actsting" is?  It's when you act out an entire improv "scene" with a friend through text messages.  I invented this and it's all the rage.


This is an actual text message thread between myself and my "friend," Muffy Bolding.  No, despite her uncanny resemblance to a dykey prison matron, Muffy is NOT a lesbo.  As a matter of fact, the poor thing seemed genuinely surprised when I told her that upon our first meeting I just assumed she was a full-blown Indigo Girls-lovin', granola-eatin', man-hatin' carpet muncher.  But she is, in fact, the heterosexual mother of three children.  Keep that in mind as you read the shocking and revealing transcript that follows.  A MOTHER!  Of three very unfortunate children.  THIS WOMAN IS A MONSTER...


After ignoring a text message inviting her to join me for the midday meal known as "luncheon" -- and several subsequent texts -- Muffy finally gets around to responding to me, HOURS LATER.


MONSTER BOLDING: How are you, Mein Queen?


ABUSED & NEGLECTED LITTLE ME: This is a T-Mobile operator. Unfortunately, the person you are texting has committed suicide.


A good ten minutes goes by with no response.


A&NLM: We are actually keeping a record of people's responses to be compiled in a special book for the funeral.  I will put you down as "NO RESPONSE."


MB: Put me down as "FUCK THAT BITCH!" I never liked her anyway.


A&NLM: Wow. I guess every awful thing he wrote about you in his suicide note was true.


MB: AND HOW, motherfucker!


A&NLM: This is an outrage! I am beginning to think that perhaps you had something to do with this so-called "suicide"...


MB: "Something to do with?" Honey, that was no accidental overdose -- that champagne/Seconal enema was administered up that bitch's tired ass by my very own hand!


A&NLM: Just in case you think this is some kind of joke, please see the attached photo...






A&NLM: Your "friend" is dead.  And obviously had "combination skin!"


MB: IT BETTER NOT BE A JOKE. Do you know how hard it was finding that bitch's asshole so I could pop in the bottle of Moet & Chandon?  Oh, and this is me RSVPing for that bitch's funeral. Party of ONE.






A&NLM: Thank you!  You see, that was all we needed "Ms." Bolding (I assume from this photo that you too are a man who dresses as a woman, like our murder victim).  The police are on their way!


MB: Wait. That picture. The lead singer of Oingo Boingo is DEAD!?


A&NLM: For your information, his name is Danny Elfman, and he is now an accomplished composer.


MB: LOL!


A&NLM: Laugh it up, "lady"! I hope you enjoy your extended vacation at Sybil Brand.


MB: Do me a favor. Tell that bitch's rotting stinking corpse that I'll be over in ten minutes to pick up my painting, my dogs, and my antique mahjong set.  Good day!


A&NLM:  And do me a favor... Visit my blog in about thirty minutes when this entire text thread will appear as my next entry!


MB: What!?


A&NLM: Very good day indeed, SIR!

Monday, January 10, 2011

PISS & VINEGAR



I'm in a lousy mood.


I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and now my panties are in a twist.






I am feeling...
A) Crabby
B) Easily-Annoyed
C) Chock Full of Hatred
D) Homicidal
E) ALL OF THE ABOVE


This is not, mind you, based on anything even remotely logical. I would venture to guess it is chemical. After all, I am a naturally happy person who is grateful for all my many blessings.  Blessings that include being relatively healthy for a homosexual my age, having a successful career that involves making people laugh, owning a beautiful home, recently losing 111 pounds of unwanted fat, many wonderful friends and most importantly, my precious dogs.


So why am I in total cunt mode today? I usually wake to greet the day -- and Mondays in particular -- with positivity, gusto and an unbridled joie de vivre. But not today. Today I am tempted to get a delightful face tattoo that says, "Fuck off!" But I shan't. Because I know that, like the popularity of Justin Bieber, this makes absolutely no sense and shall eventually pass. I really should be singing the uplifting and timeless "Hold On For One More Day" by Wilson Phillips, but instead I am humming that feel-good ditty about shooting school kids, "I Don't Like Mondays" by The Boomtown Rats.


F.T.W.


Gee, I sure hope I feel better by tomorrow night. After all, I have a show to do with my gal pals Muffy Bolding, Selene Luna and Nadya Ginsburg. Here's all the info if you want to come: COME TO THE SHOW OR DON'T, I AIN'T GONNA' BEG!


Thank goodness the theme of the show this month is "BITCH!" If I'm still feeling like a bitter, life-hating cooze tomorrow night it will only add a gritty authenticity to my performance. Sounds good anyway. Fuck you.




Sunday, January 9, 2011

Saturday, January 8, 2011

WORTH REPEATING

Same-sex marriage, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” gay bullying—sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that we’re still discussing basic human rights in 2011, but alas, we are. Rarely do I think, “I couldn’t have said it better myself!” but when I heard what many of the most brilliant minds from history had to say on the subject of being gay—or unique in any way—I couldn’t help but ask...
MAY I QUOTE YOU ON THAT?
“When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one.” —Leonard P. Matlovich
“You don’t have to be straight to be in the military, you just have to be able to shoot straight.” —Barry Goldwater
“Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?” —Ernest Gaines
“Why can’t they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, ‘Who’d you call a faggot?’” —John Stewart



“Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons.” —Letter to the editor, The Advocate
“Homosexuality is god’s way of insuring that the truly gifted aren’t burdened with children.” —Sam Austin
“Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law.” —Boethius, The Consolation of Philosophy, 524 A.D.
“You could move.” —Abigail “Dear Abby” Van Buren (in response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood)



“Everybody’s journey is individual. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them than it does about homosexuality.” —James Baldwin
“Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an anti-gay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won’t be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole.” —Judy Carter
“I’m a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being ... by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant.” —Paul Newman



“One should no more deplore homosexuality than left-handedness.” —Towards a Quaker View of Sex, 1964
“It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It’s like disapproving of rain.” —Francis Maude
“Trust a nitwit society like this one to think that there are only two categories—fag and straight.” —Gore Vidal



“As long as society is anti-gay, then it will seem like being gay is anti-social.”
—Joseph Francis
“If Michelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been wallpapered.”
—Robin Tyler
“Some women can’t say the word lesbian ... even when their mouth is full of one.”
—Kate Clinton
“The Lord is my shepherd and he knows I’m gay.” —Troy Perry
“God has given you one face, and you make yourself another.” —William Shakespeare



“Is life not a hundred times too short for us to stifle ourselves?” —Friedrich Nietzsche
“Why don’t you want to look like what you are?” —Malcolm X



“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” —Harvey Fierstein
“There is just one life for each of us: our own.” —Euripides
“If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.”
—Johann von Goethe
“There’s this illusion that homosexuals have sex and heterosexuals fall in love. That’s completely untrue. Everybody wants to be loved.” —Boy George




“Every time you don’t follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness.” —Shakti Gawain
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”—Dr. Seuss
“If you removed all of the homosexuals and homosexual influence from what is generally regarded as American culture, you would pretty much be left with Let’s Make a Deal.”
—Fran Lebowitz
“It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.”
—Agnes Repplier
“To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying ‘Amen’ to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to keep your soul alive." —Robert Louis Stevenson
“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson
“There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” —Ana├»s Nin



“No government has the right to tell its citizens when or whom to love. The only queer people are those who don’t love anybody.” —Rita Mae Brown
“The diagnosis of homosexuality as a ‘disorder’ is a contributing factor to the pathology of those homosexuals who do become mentally ill ... Nothing is more likely to make you sick than being constantly told that you are sick.” —Ronald Gold

Thursday, January 6, 2011

A LETTER FROM AUNT JACKIE



Dear Stupid Idiot,


Hello! It's me, your bitter Aunt Jackie. It's been ages since I've written you, but I just couldn't remain quiet any longer. You see, I am beginning to think you are quite possibly retarded. Let me explain...


When you ask really dumb questions it makes me angry. So angry that I want to hit you or maybe even burn you with a cigarette -- and honey, I don't even smoke! But I have to warn you, I am willing to start.


I have some great news! There is this marvelous new thing called The Internet. Essentially, it is like having the entire world at your fingertips! It truly is amazing! We may not have entire meals in the form of a pill, moving conveyor belt sidewalks or acrylic domes that descend from the ceiling to instantly apply cosmetics and style one's hair like on The Jetsons, but we do have The Internet! Can you say it? "In, ter, net!" Good, good.


Like I said, The Internet (or "Le Internay" as they call it in Paris, France) is like having the entire world at your beck and call. No, it's not "beckon call," trust me. No, it's not. No! Can we drop it, please? Thank you. Now where was I? Oh yes, pointing out that you're an idiot.


There is no longer any need to get dressed, climb in your car and drive all the way to the library to learn something! There is no need to fumble through dusty old reference books or encyclopedias. All you have to do is look it up on The Internet! Heck, most people even have it on their cellular telephones these days! But still, Aunt Jackie is asked all sorts of stupid questions that you could easily answer yourself by simply typing a few words into a motherfucking Google search and hitting SEND. Oh dear! I am so sorry, honey. Please understand, that was the anger talking -- not me!


And speaking of an anger that borders on homicidal rage, did you know that The Internet (or "La Internetta" to which it is referred to in Rome, Italy) also boasts a feature called SpellCheck? One can easily make sure that the words they are using are -- drum roll please -- SPELLED CORRECTLY! The computer does all the work! You just sit back and watch in horror and amazement as you realize that "alot" is not a word and learn the subtle differences between "your" & "you're," "there," "their," & "they're" and "it's" & "its." The whole thing kind of reminds Aunt Jackie of the many people with valid driver's licenses who think it's okay to turn left despite a rather obvious double yellow line staring them right in the face and/or the dim-witted drivers who don't know what to do when they encounter a flashing red light. For God's sake, please slowly pull over to the side of the road, engage your parking brake, remove your seatbelt, carefully exit your vehicle, put your lips around the tailpipe of your still-running car and breathe deeply.


Now I hope that the tone of this letter didn't offend you in any way. Because, frankly, the only thing worse than a complete fucking moron is a touchy one.


Kiss your mother for me!


Love,
Aunt Jackie

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

JACKIE BEAT: TACKY TWEET!

Thought it might be fun to share a sampling of some of my Tweets from last year.  Translation: I am feeling lazy!  Please enjoy.  And remember, this is FREE...


To follow me on Twitter, click HERE!




Reality show you will NEVER see; "Dignity!"

The sound of "Dr." Phil's voice makes me want to open a major artery with an old grapefruit spoon.

NEW WORD: "Vibroadway" -- When every song you sing sounds like musical theater thanks to a specific schmaltzy vibrato.

"LOL" is officially dead. Please start using "Haw Haw!" like how the evil people laugh in Jack Chick tracts. Thank you.




If you don't subscribe to my new daily blog, it means you HATE gay people!

Broadway has gone from "KIss of the Spider Woman" to "Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark." Ugh.

I guess New York City is very much like me -- cold, dirty and bitter -- but charming and totally lovable!

If you're a white trust-fund baby, stop throwing gang signs in your photos. And using the N word. And breathing.

I really like to talk during sex. You know, things like, "Hey, do you think you can throw in free HBO, too!?"

If u have BAREBACK in your name, I can't follow u. U may as well boast that u DRIVE DRUNK, TEASE PITBULLS or SWIPE KIRSTIE ALLEY'S FRIES!

I'm old, saggy, easily-annoyed, disgusted by human touch and I fly a LOT! If I can plaster a smile on my face & handle the TSA, anyone can!

Back in the day there was Jane Mansfield, Valley of the Dolls & Engelbert Humperdinck. Now we have Heidi Montag, Burlesque & Josh Groban?

Oprah gave everyone in her audience a 2012 VW Beetle. The View gave each person a $100 Sears gift card. Ooomph!


Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

We Gays used to have Tennessee Williams, Truman Capote and Freddie Mercury. Now we have a reality series about... FLOWER ARRANGING?

There is a difference between snarky, creative, entertaining CRITIQUE and poorly-written, bitter, sophomoric HATE.

Why would anyone put NO WOMEN on their Twitter profile? We get it, you're Gay... But women fucking rule, stupid!

If I had a nipple for every time someone asked to photograph me doing my makeup, I'd be the she-wolf who fed Romulus & Remus!




Barebackers who can't c 5 minutes in2 the future r no better than Evangelical Christians who don't care about the planet cuz Jesus is coming

Thank God my life never concerns itself with NSFW or TGIF.

If you have ever used the phrase "str8-acting, str8-appearing" to describe yourself -- KEEP WALKING!

2 celebs pull out of helping miners in Chile when Kevin Spacey notices spelling of "miners" and Kirstie Alley realizes it's not "chili"

This is how multi-cultural downtown LA is: Saw a homeless black man wearing a kimono AND a sombrero. "Domo arigato, Senor Motherfucker!"

If you "just want to laugh", you hired the wrong girl.

I have never woken up in time to enjoy a free hotel breakfast. Turns out I am just slightly more of a lazy sloth than I am a cheap pig.

Using words like "bullying" or "taunting" when someone is being tormented and tortured is like referring to rape as "severe flirting".

I'm sorry, but the moment you label something "erotic" it ceases to be so!

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Hey, that's NOT funny!

I don't think you grasp the level of glamour that I live. I am eating Cup o' Noodles in a Marriott hotel room in Morgantown, West Virginia.




NEVER open an email with the subject, "Good Day Kind Sir"!

The only thing worse than wearing a meat dress is TALKING about WHY you are wearing a meat dress.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of movie news (in other words, 2 of my fave things together): SASHA BARON COHEN as FREDDIE MERCURY!

I am the complete opposite of BURNING MAN... I am AIR-CONDITIONED LADY!

HOARDERS will be the DEATH of me! How can you have trash bags full of human feces in your house and still claim to be a "collector"?

Watching 9/11 docs, many feature reenactments. Couldn't help but think how sad/weird it must be 4 a Middle Eastern actor to play a terrorist

Muted the TV while watching Oprah today. Not sure what happened, but by the audience reaction, I guess she discovered the cure for cancer!

NO RELIGION AT GROUND ZERO... That's what started all this, remember? What about Freedom FROM Religion, GOD DAMMIT!?

WARNING: If they put a Hooters up where The Gaiety used to be, I will burn "The Joy of Gay Sex" on Judy Garland's birthday!

"You've crossed the border from lubricated to morose." -- Joan on Mad Men




This year's Emmy's were all about doctor-assisted suicide and autism... Good times!

If you have ever uttered the phrase, "I'm not really a dog person," DO NOT TALK TO ME!

At a certain age, everyone finally admits to loving babies, puppies and California.

I love it when someone I have NEVER heard of is "Verified" on Twitter! THIS IS THE REAL FREDDY FUCKFACE!?