Wednesday, May 25, 2011

SAGE ADVICE TO THE SODOMITES & SISTERS OF SAPPHO...

I know a lot of smart, funny people. Here are their special GAY PRIDE messages for YOU!

Watch the documentaries “Stonewall Uprising” and “Before Stonewall” and listen to the stories of the people who came before us that made our lives, today, pretty fucking amazing. History is a weapon! Also, spend less on cocktails and go support your local gay artists… like me!
-- Coco Peru, Drag Queen/Monologist/World Savior

Always respect and honor those who've paved the way for your rights today, and do your part to support and nurture the LGBTQ kids of tomorrow. Gay it forward!
 -- DJ Paul V., BornThisWayBlog.com

Thanks to the LGBTQ natives before us, our evolution is revolution. We're living in exciting times and shining on the frontlines. From Stonewall to No on Prop Hate, we are time travelers honey... so don't be late!
-- Kelly Mantle, Gay Bisexual Trans Lesbian

I wish Gay Pride events were unnecessary. I wish gay was just accepted as the normal thing that it is.
-- Susan Olsen AKA Cindy Brady

Eat, drink and be merry because happy Gays are good for America!”
-- Roseanne Barr, Emmy Award-winning Actress/Bestselling Author

Love yourself before loving anyone else. Like on plane, you put on your oxygen mask first, otherwise you'll pass out and your kids will die.
-- Julie Brown, Concerned Gay Icon

Being Gay taught me to never determine my self-worth through the eyes of others and to be proud of who I am.
-- Austin Young, Artist

It won't just “get better”, you're going to have to work your way through. Find some strong friends, take care of yourself and focus on your goals. You'll make it.
-- Calpernia Addams, Showgirl

Being Gay is not enough. The content of your character matters. Let it shine for all to see.
-- Jimmy James, Entertainer

Become the man you always wanted to marry. Love, honor and cherish yourself!
-- Joe Fitrzyk, Entertainment Blogger

Remember that what we celebrate on Pride Day is diversity. Not to be corny, but be yourselves for fuck's sake. It's boring when we all fit in!
-- Heklina, Drag Icon

It's you guys, not Oprah, who inspire me to live my best life. How selfish that sounds: "I just really like the way you make me feel!" But it's because of my gay friends that I take more creative risks, strive to make things beautiful and recognize the importance of proper shapewear.
-- Lindsey Alley, Former Mouseketeer and Current Chanteuse

Gay Pride doesn't need our words. We are stronger by speaking out with our actions. Like shaking common sense and civil rights into others. Shaking them just like a baby!
-- Deven Green & Joel Bryant, "Hollywood's power gay couple who just happen to be straight."

Pride is totes all about celebrating and embracing everyone and their ultra amazeballsness!!! A time to come together and spotlight our contributions to society and share the love in our community! And of course shopping for new rhinestone encrusted drop-crotch skinny jeans, going tanning, applying extra bronzer, stalking celebs with a cocktail or five! Cheersies!
-- Jessica & Hunter, www.jessicaandhunter.com


Please don't let Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" be EVERY Gay Pride float's theme song this year!
-- Bruce Daniels, Comedian

Be generous, be kind, and don’t apologize for who you are!”
-- Selene Luna, Hobo-Sexual

If anyone gives you any shit, I've got your back!
-- Ross Mathews, Long-time Gay

Powdered drugs are stronger than Pride. Celebrate your sexual freedom by loving yourself. Oh, and by SAFELY fucking & sucking to your hearts’ AND asses’ content! 
-- Nadya Ginsburg, Your Half Jewish Childless Grandma

As the demented and diminutive Pamela Des Barres of the drag world, I hereby issue the following edict for Gay Pride 2011: COCK IS THE NEW BLACK. No stylish sodomite's Summer wardrobe is complete without it!
-- Muffy Bolding, Writer/Hooker/Fag Hag Extraordinaire

Just remember that most venues are drug-free establishments. So pass all of your narcotics to me and I will dispose of them in the proper fashion!
-- Detox, Projected Winner of RuPaul's Drag Race Season 16

Crystal Waters! Black Box! M People! Snap! Bizarre Inc! Cece Peniston! Cheryl Lynn! Clivilles & Cole! Rozalla! Soul II Soul!
-- Drew Droege, The Man Behind the Internet Sensation “Chloe”

Live in the Loo! And I don't mean in UK toilets. I'm talking about the spirit of "Halleloo"... where you live everyday to the fullest without any fear of following your dreams!
-- Shangela Laquifa Wadley, Official PimpHo, RuPaul's Drag Race

Wig on, chin up, heels high, and lead by example!
-- The World Famous *BOB*, “Big Fag With Big Boobs”

Dear BLT Community, what can I say to an exceedingly preened “people” who are so fond of antiques and lady singers? Not much. I congratulate you on whatever it is that you’re so proud of. Now, whaddaya say we get you guys the right to vote?
-- Dina Martina, Talent-Stuffed Singer/Dancer/Gymnast

Forgive your parents, love your body, accept who you are and BE A NICE PERSON. Sometimes you win... but no one gets out unscathed.
-- Mario Diaz, Actor/Event Producer

Learn to grow old gracefully... Hire a hooker.
-- Ryan Landry, Playwright/Cocksucker/Patriot

Outing the world will save it. The final frontier. The meek WILL inherit the Earth!
-- Alexis Arquette, Troglodyte

Resistance is futile. We will destroy the human race. It's easier when you accept and embrace the GAY WORLD TAKE-OVER. Yes, we're recruiting your children through shows like “Glee”. Duh! Just accept that in only a few years we will have successfully turned all young people HOMOSEXUAL and they will be the last humans on Earth. But for now, have fun, party, celebrate!
-- Peaches Christ, Writer/Director/Drag Monster

Monday, May 16, 2011

"HESHER" IS A MUST-SEE!

God, I miss movies like "Welcome to the Dollhouse" that have you laughing one moment and then sobbing the next. To paraphrase its titular lead character, "Thank God, or The Devil, or whatever..." for HESHER!




My friend Mario and I were very excited to go see (and add to the all-important opening weekend box office of) "Bridesmaids." It never ceases to amaze me how women -- WHO MAKE UP AT LEAST FIFTY PERCENT OF THE POPULATION -- still have to prove themselves as "bankable" here in Hollywood. Well, at least ones that talk instead of scream, right? Put them in a bikini and have them devoured by piranhas at Spring Break or tie them to a chair and torture them in "Saw 17: Enough Already!" and all is fine. But much has been written about how important "Bridesmaids" is to the future of female directors, writers and comic leading ladies. You would think we were talking about one-legged, albino bisexual Lithuanian women here. Listen, as far as I am concerned, anyone who thinks vagina ain't funny hasn't seen one! And putting so much pressure on ONE movie and ONE director and ONE cast is like people who say, "Okay Obama, we are giving YOUR people a chance -- if you blow this we will NEVER have another black president, understand!?" Can you imagine if we never had another white male president just because he fucked up? Honey, we would have a one-legged, albino bisexual Lithuanian woman president right now! And what about every movie starring a middle-aged white man that tanked? HOW THE FUCK DOES NICOLAS CAGE STILL GET WORK!?


But I'm not here to talk about "Bridesmaids" (which I am seeing today!) or Nic Cage. No, I am here to convince you to do yourself a favor and run, don't walk, to see "Hesher!" Joseph-Gordon Levitt is not only fat-free and tattooed and crazy and beautiful and scary and sexy, but brilliant. And to those of you who are concerned with Natalie Portman -- as we all should be -- I say this: Yes, she is far too gorgeous (even with her hair pulled back and in "ugly" glasses) to keep from being distracting and possibly momentarily pulling one out of the surreal reality of the movie, but she is barely in it and everyone else cancels out this oh-so-minor and temporary problem. Let it go.


The real reasons to see this gem are the script and the luminescent Piper Laurie. You can add weight, many many wrinkles, age spots and gray and thin the hair of a great actress and she will still remain a stunning and fearless creature from which you CANNOT LOOK AWAY! Piper Laurie, like with her Academy Award-nominated role as the religiously bonkers mother in "Carrie," walks the razor-thin line between dead-serious and now-she's-just-fucking-with-me! If she is not nominated for Best Supporting Actress for her work in "Hesher," mark my words, I will move to... Lithuania.




And don't even get me started on Devin Brochu, the actor who plays the bullied and beleaguered 13 year-old... Or the gut-wrenching, white-knuckle, CRAWLING OUT OF YOUR SEAT flashback that is one of the most painfully suspenseful scenes I have ever had to sit through in my entire life. Made every Hitchcock film suddenly feel like Bambi.


"Hesher" made $127,000 this weekend -- that's less than just the Raisinettes sales from all the showings of "Bridesmaids" combined.  I am not asking you NOT to see "Bridesmaids" or "Thor" or "Fast Five" (okay, maybe I am asking you NOT to see "Fast Five"), I am simply asking you to also make time for "Hesher."


Trust me.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME... WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME!?

Once again, these questions were SHAMELESSLY STOLEN from Muffy Bolding...


1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
All my relationships are serious.
2) What was your dream growing up?
I have a VERY distinct memory as a kid of figuring out how old I would be by the year 2000 -- and I was convinced I would be dead by then. Now it's 2011 and the bitch is still kickin'! I also remember fantasizing about what it would be like to be an adult and it was a specific vision of myself -- as an adult man -- in a rather dark smoked-glass and chrome bathroom, shaving. I thought that grooming and getting ready for some fabulous party was the ultimate adult thing to do. Needless to say, now I despise shaving! But I must shave to become my alter ego and entertain people -- which, of course, was my ultimate dream as a child.
3) What talent do you wish you had?
This is going to sound so pretentious and lame, but I wish I could play dumb.
4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
I adore coffee, but my all-time favorite beverage is carrot juice. I have said it before and I will say it again -- it tastes like chocolate milk to me!
5) Favorite vegetable?
When I was a kid, I would walk around the cafeteria and eat EVERYONE'S broccoli! I hated peas with a passion, but now they are my FAVORITE! Um, I guess that was my long way of saying "Peas!"
6) What was the last book you read?
I am currently reading (in the bathtub, of course!) a big fat biography of Truman Capote that Miss Muffy Bolding bought me at a thrift store for 33 cents.
7) What zodiac sign are you?
The ONLY sign that matters, Leo.
8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
My ears are pierced (the right has three holes -- oh, the late '80s/early '90s!) and I have the following tattoos: My mother's name (Lili) on my right ring finger, the word LOVE on my right wrist (my bestie, Mario Diaz, and I got matching ones!), above that is a star, then the Chinese symbol for "love", then another star, then the phrase I WILL SERVE NO OTHER MASTER (I got it when I quit smoking!), yet another star, then a monarch butterfly and finally MARIO -- which I got in NYC as a surprise for his birthday. I also have the word BEAUTIFUL on the inside of my left forearm, a DS (for my band, Dirty Sanchez) on the back of my neck (we all got them in different places on our bodies on some TV show) and finally... My precious dog, Baby, on my right upper arm/shoulder. That one is my favorite.
9) Worst Habit?
I am the laziest person on the planet. People argue with me about this all the time, but it's true. I can also be VERY negative. I am constantly saying, "Everything's fucked!"
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
I hate to say it, but after watching many terrifying episodes of "I Survived" -- I would NOT!
11) What is your favorite sport?
As a certain kind of gay, I abhor sports. By the same token, I adore watching Male Gymnastics, Greco-Roman Wrestling, Diving, Swimming -- anything that involves hot men in various states of undress. When I went to Quebec to audition for Cirque du Soleil, the guy who picked me up at the airport asked me, "Do you like hockey?" to which I replied, "Hell no! They wear way too much clothing!"
12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
See Question 9. It is very UN-Leo of me to be so negative, but my negativity can actually be positive, if that makes sense. Also, as a comedian, focusing on the negative (and making fun of it) is how I make a living, so it's hard to turn that "off" in my real life.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
Start a conversation.


14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
Overhearing my mother boasting to a neighbor lady that I "tested very high on several intelligence tests" and that I would "never have to work for anything." What a curse.
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
For all my un-PC, filthy comedy I am quite a reserved and modest person who does not drink, smoke, do drugs and hasn't had sex in a very, very, VERY long time.
16) Do you have any pets?
Yes, thank God!  Baby is my stinky little Cairn Terrier -- she was a gift from Mario Diaz -- and she is over 10 years old but still acts like a puppy. And then there is Lil Sister, a chihuahua/terrier mix, who was a gift from Alexis Arquette. I feel like I actually gave birth to her.
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
I would HATE it, but be polite.
18) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
This is the lazy man's irony: "Clowns are meant to be cheerful and fun, but they are actually quite scary!"  Yes, we get it.  The only good clowns are sad clowns, but enough about ME!
19) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
I would like a larger penis please.
20) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
I would sooooo talk you out of it. It's not worth it! DO THE RIGHT THING.
21) What color eyes do you have?
Brown.
22) Ever been arrested?
Yes, it's a stupid and boring story that involves a complete asshole in a uniform in West Hollywood. It was traffic-related.
23) Bottle or can soda?
I don't drink soda anymore -- EVER.
24) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
That is not much money these days, but I would put it towards the surgery I need.
25) What’s your favorite place to hang?
In bed, with my dogs.
26) Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes and no. I think it's rather arrogant to proclaim, "No!" but I think there would be more proof if they really did exist. It's possible.
27) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Take a hot bath.
28) Do you swear a lot?
Fuck yeah!
29) Biggest pet peeve?
The inability (or downright REFUSAL) of people on either side of ANY transaction -- to make eye contact, smile and be pleasant. I am talking about basic human decency here. Whether you are a customer, a casting agent, a receptionist, a cashier -- BE NICE! It kills me that these people at Whole Foods -- with their hybrid cars with all the politically correct/spiritual bumper stickers and their copy of The Secret and their yoga mat -- cannot even make eye contact with the person, standing less then 2 feet away from them, ringing up the overpriced organic, free-range, fair-trade, gluten-free food that will go into their body and/or that of their children. Basic manners, people. How can you "save the planet" if you can't even manage to be courteous to ONE person!?
30) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
Creative.
31) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
Yes. To me it simply means being creative and giving and expressive with your love. I can be romantic with animals and friends and complete strangers. It's an aesthetic and a style choice. Or perhaps I am confusing "romance" with general passion and joie de vivre.
32) Do you believe in a god?
Again, I think it is the ultimate arrogance to say "Yes" or "No" -- the only respectful answer is "I don't know!" It's hard NOT to believe in SOMETHING when you see fruits and vegetables and animals and babies and the sun and the moon, etc. Organized religion will be the death of mankind and possibly this planet, I am convinced of this. It is notoriously anti-nature and that is essentially spitting in God's face.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

DON'T BE AN AMERICAN AGEIST ASSHOLE!

The National Enquirer recently ran a photo of former Aerosmith frontman and current American Idol judge STEVEN TYLER in a skimpy bathing suit with the caption "Dude Looks Like A Lady."


Um, I'm sorry, what's that phrase I am thinking of?  Oh yeah... "FUCK OFF!"

Okay, lets get a few things straight about the LEGENDARY Steven Tyler...


1) The man in 63 years old!  I hope I look THAT good at 63!  Hell, I didn't look that good at 33!  He may not be a muscle man, but he is a rock singer in his sixties -- not a male model in his twenties.  He looks GREAT!


2) The man is a force to be reckoned with.  He is supremely talented and one of the top male rock vocalists and frontmen of all time -- right up there with Jim Morrison of The Doors, Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin, Freddie Mercury of Queen, Steve Perry of Journey and Bon Scott of AC/DC! And despite a few less-than-stellar songs from the Autumn of his career ("Dude Looks Like A Lady," "Love in an Elevator," etc.) the man is a poet!


3) The man is clean & sober.  He is also hilarious and, from what I have seen on American Idol, he doesn't seem to have a cruel bone in his body.


4) The man is ALIVE!


So, stop being a nit-picking American ageist asshole and look at this photo and realize that Steven Tyler looks great for his age and everything he has been through.  AND God love him for strutting his still-hot stuff on the beach and enjoying his fucking life!


You go, girl!


He and Helen Mirren should remake Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" music video!