You are no doubt familiar with "sexting," but do you know what "actsting" is? It's when you act out an entire improv "scene" with a friend through text messages. I invented this and it's all the rage.
This is an actual text message thread between myself and my "friend," Muffy Bolding. No, despite her uncanny resemblance to a dykey prison matron, Muffy is NOT a lesbo. As a matter of fact, the poor thing seemed genuinely surprised when I told her that upon our first meeting I just assumed she was a full-blown Indigo Girls-lovin', granola-eatin', man-hatin' carpet muncher. But she is, in fact, the heterosexual mother of three children. Keep that in mind as you read the shocking and revealing transcript that follows. A MOTHER! Of three very unfortunate children. THIS WOMAN IS A MONSTER...
After ignoring a text message inviting her to join me for the midday meal known as "luncheon" -- and several subsequent texts -- Muffy finally gets around to responding to me, HOURS LATER.
MONSTER BOLDING: How are you, Mein Queen?
ABUSED & NEGLECTED LITTLE ME: This is a T-Mobile operator. Unfortunately, the person you are texting has committed suicide.
A good ten minutes goes by with no response.
A&NLM: We are actually keeping a record of people's responses to be compiled in a special book for the funeral. I will put you down as "NO RESPONSE."
MB: Put me down as "FUCK THAT BITCH!" I never liked her anyway.
A&NLM: Wow. I guess every awful thing he wrote about you in his suicide note was true.
MB: AND HOW, motherfucker!
A&NLM: This is an outrage! I am beginning to think that perhaps you had something to do with this so-called "suicide"...
MB: "Something to do with?" Honey, that was no accidental overdose -- that champagne/Seconal enema was administered up that bitch's tired ass by my very own hand!
A&NLM: Just in case you think this is some kind of joke, please see the attached photo...
A&NLM: Your "friend" is dead. And obviously had "combination skin!"
MB: IT BETTER NOT BE A JOKE. Do you know how hard it was finding that bitch's asshole so I could pop in the bottle of Moet & Chandon? Oh, and this is me RSVPing for that bitch's funeral. Party of ONE.
A&NLM: Thank you! You see, that was all we needed "Ms." Bolding (I assume from this photo that you too are a man who dresses as a woman, like our murder victim). The police are on their way!
MB: Wait. That picture. The lead singer of Oingo Boingo is DEAD!?
A&NLM: For your information, his name is Danny Elfman, and he is now an accomplished composer.
A&NLM: Laugh it up, "lady"! I hope you enjoy your extended vacation at Sybil Brand.
MB: Do me a favor. Tell that bitch's rotting stinking corpse that I'll be over in ten minutes to pick up my painting, my dogs, and my antique mahjong set. Good day!
A&NLM: And do me a favor... Visit my blog in about thirty minutes when this entire text thread will appear as my next entry!
A&NLM: Very good day indeed, SIR!