Wednesday, January 5, 2011


Thought it might be fun to share a sampling of some of my Tweets from last year.  Translation: I am feeling lazy!  Please enjoy.  And remember, this is FREE...

To follow me on Twitter, click HERE!

Reality show you will NEVER see; "Dignity!"

The sound of "Dr." Phil's voice makes me want to open a major artery with an old grapefruit spoon.

NEW WORD: "Vibroadway" -- When every song you sing sounds like musical theater thanks to a specific schmaltzy vibrato.

"LOL" is officially dead. Please start using "Haw Haw!" like how the evil people laugh in Jack Chick tracts. Thank you.

If you don't subscribe to my new daily blog, it means you HATE gay people!

Broadway has gone from "KIss of the Spider Woman" to "Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark." Ugh.

I guess New York City is very much like me -- cold, dirty and bitter -- but charming and totally lovable!

If you're a white trust-fund baby, stop throwing gang signs in your photos. And using the N word. And breathing.

I really like to talk during sex. You know, things like, "Hey, do you think you can throw in free HBO, too!?"

If u have BAREBACK in your name, I can't follow u. U may as well boast that u DRIVE DRUNK, TEASE PITBULLS or SWIPE KIRSTIE ALLEY'S FRIES!

I'm old, saggy, easily-annoyed, disgusted by human touch and I fly a LOT! If I can plaster a smile on my face & handle the TSA, anyone can!

Back in the day there was Jane Mansfield, Valley of the Dolls & Engelbert Humperdinck. Now we have Heidi Montag, Burlesque & Josh Groban?

Oprah gave everyone in her audience a 2012 VW Beetle. The View gave each person a $100 Sears gift card. Ooomph!

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

We Gays used to have Tennessee Williams, Truman Capote and Freddie Mercury. Now we have a reality series about... FLOWER ARRANGING?

There is a difference between snarky, creative, entertaining CRITIQUE and poorly-written, bitter, sophomoric HATE.

Why would anyone put NO WOMEN on their Twitter profile? We get it, you're Gay... But women fucking rule, stupid!

If I had a nipple for every time someone asked to photograph me doing my makeup, I'd be the she-wolf who fed Romulus & Remus!

Barebackers who can't c 5 minutes in2 the future r no better than Evangelical Christians who don't care about the planet cuz Jesus is coming

Thank God my life never concerns itself with NSFW or TGIF.

If you have ever used the phrase "str8-acting, str8-appearing" to describe yourself -- KEEP WALKING!

2 celebs pull out of helping miners in Chile when Kevin Spacey notices spelling of "miners" and Kirstie Alley realizes it's not "chili"

This is how multi-cultural downtown LA is: Saw a homeless black man wearing a kimono AND a sombrero. "Domo arigato, Senor Motherfucker!"

If you "just want to laugh", you hired the wrong girl.

I have never woken up in time to enjoy a free hotel breakfast. Turns out I am just slightly more of a lazy sloth than I am a cheap pig.

Using words like "bullying" or "taunting" when someone is being tormented and tortured is like referring to rape as "severe flirting".

I'm sorry, but the moment you label something "erotic" it ceases to be so!

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Hey, that's NOT funny!

I don't think you grasp the level of glamour that I live. I am eating Cup o' Noodles in a Marriott hotel room in Morgantown, West Virginia.

NEVER open an email with the subject, "Good Day Kind Sir"!

The only thing worse than wearing a meat dress is TALKING about WHY you are wearing a meat dress.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of movie news (in other words, 2 of my fave things together): SASHA BARON COHEN as FREDDIE MERCURY!

I am the complete opposite of BURNING MAN... I am AIR-CONDITIONED LADY!

HOARDERS will be the DEATH of me! How can you have trash bags full of human feces in your house and still claim to be a "collector"?

Watching 9/11 docs, many feature reenactments. Couldn't help but think how sad/weird it must be 4 a Middle Eastern actor to play a terrorist

Muted the TV while watching Oprah today. Not sure what happened, but by the audience reaction, I guess she discovered the cure for cancer!

NO RELIGION AT GROUND ZERO... That's what started all this, remember? What about Freedom FROM Religion, GOD DAMMIT!?

WARNING: If they put a Hooters up where The Gaiety used to be, I will burn "The Joy of Gay Sex" on Judy Garland's birthday!

"You've crossed the border from lubricated to morose." -- Joan on Mad Men

This year's Emmy's were all about doctor-assisted suicide and autism... Good times!

If you have ever uttered the phrase, "I'm not really a dog person," DO NOT TALK TO ME!

At a certain age, everyone finally admits to loving babies, puppies and California.

I love it when someone I have NEVER heard of is "Verified" on Twitter! THIS IS THE REAL FREDDY FUCKFACE!?

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