Thursday, January 6, 2011
A LETTER FROM AUNT JACKIE
Dear Stupid Idiot,
Hello! It's me, your bitter Aunt Jackie. It's been ages since I've written you, but I just couldn't remain quiet any longer. You see, I am beginning to think you are quite possibly retarded. Let me explain...
When you ask really dumb questions it makes me angry. So angry that I want to hit you or maybe even burn you with a cigarette -- and honey, I don't even smoke! But I have to warn you, I am willing to start.
I have some great news! There is this marvelous new thing called The Internet. Essentially, it is like having the entire world at your fingertips! It truly is amazing! We may not have entire meals in the form of a pill, moving conveyor belt sidewalks or acrylic domes that descend from the ceiling to instantly apply cosmetics and style one's hair like on The Jetsons, but we do have The Internet! Can you say it? "In, ter, net!" Good, good.
Like I said, The Internet (or "Le Internay" as they call it in Paris, France) is like having the entire world at your beck and call. No, it's not "beckon call," trust me. No, it's not. No! Can we drop it, please? Thank you. Now where was I? Oh yes, pointing out that you're an idiot.
There is no longer any need to get dressed, climb in your car and drive all the way to the library to learn something! There is no need to fumble through dusty old reference books or encyclopedias. All you have to do is look it up on The Internet! Heck, most people even have it on their cellular telephones these days! But still, Aunt Jackie is asked all sorts of stupid questions that you could easily answer yourself by simply typing a few words into a motherfucking Google search and hitting SEND. Oh dear! I am so sorry, honey. Please understand, that was the anger talking -- not me!
And speaking of an anger that borders on homicidal rage, did you know that The Internet (or "La Internetta" to which it is referred to in Rome, Italy) also boasts a feature called SpellCheck? One can easily make sure that the words they are using are -- drum roll please -- SPELLED CORRECTLY! The computer does all the work! You just sit back and watch in horror and amazement as you realize that "alot" is not a word and learn the subtle differences between "your" & "you're," "there," "their," & "they're" and "it's" & "its." The whole thing kind of reminds Aunt Jackie of the many people with valid driver's licenses who think it's okay to turn left despite a rather obvious double yellow line staring them right in the face and/or the dim-witted drivers who don't know what to do when they encounter a flashing red light. For God's sake, please slowly pull over to the side of the road, engage your parking brake, remove your seatbelt, carefully exit your vehicle, put your lips around the tailpipe of your still-running car and breathe deeply.
Now I hope that the tone of this letter didn't offend you in any way. Because, frankly, the only thing worse than a complete fucking moron is a touchy one.
Kiss your mother for me!