IF I WERE A HAMMER: I'D KILL CARSON DALY

If I were a month I would be: July.
If I were a day of the week I would be: Wednesday. (Full of woe?)
If I were a time of day I would be: 3:33 AM.
If I were a planet I would be: Saturn. (Mama LOVES rings!)
If I were a sea animal I would be: A dolphin.
If I were a direction I would be: Up.
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: A mid-century Hollywood Regency black lacquer chair with Greek chain detail and cream, turquoise and pale pink chinoiserie upholstery featuring flowers and birds.
If I were a sin I would be: Lust.
If I were a liquid I would be: Carrot juice.
If I were a stone, I would be: An opal.
If I were a bird, I would be: Free.
If I were a tool, I would be: A Bedazzler, of course.
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: A Dogwood tree.  They always look like they were painted by Vincent Van Gogh.
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: That weird combination of sunny, but cold. (But enough about my mother, oomph!)
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: A sitar.
If I were an animal, I would be: A lonely middle-aged drag queen's precious dog.
If I were a color, I would be: Gold.
If I were an emotion, I would be: Love.
If I were a vegetable, I would be: Corn. It can do EVERYTHING and people love it.
If I were a sound, I would be: The guttural, orgasmic moans of a beautiful 42 year-old man.
If I were a car, I would be: Sad.
If I were a song, I would be: “How Beautiful You Are" by The Cure.
If I were a book, I would be written by: An autistic child.
If I were a food, I would be: Pan-fried polenta with parmesan.
If I were a place, I would be: Milan.
If I were a material, I would be: A gorgeous Pucci print.
If I were a taste, I would be: Bacon.
If I were a scent, I would be: Baby.
If I were a word, I would be: Yes.
If I were an object, I would be: Worthless.
If I were a body part I would be: A strong but gentle hand.
If I were a facial expression I would be: A reassuring smile.
If I were a subject in school I would be: Drama.
If I were a cartoon character I would be: Lucy Van Pelt.
If I were a breed of dog I would be: A loyal and loving mutt.
If I were a shape I would be: A star.
If I were a number I would be: 8.
If I were a piece of jewelry I would be: Star of India cufflinks.
If I were a team my mascot would be: Unicorn.
If I were a quote, I would be: “Moving with grace that men despise and women have learned to lose.” — Jeff Buckley