LET'S GET "MARY'D"!

"We have so much in common... We both love cock!"

I have written before about the time-tested “special” relationship between gay men and straight women. Think about it, some of the most delightful couples throughout history have consisted of a breeder babe and her favorite fag friend. Imagine the world without dynamic duos such as Harper Lee (okay, maybe not so straight?) and Truman Capote, Doris Day and Rock Hudson or Liza Minnelli and any one of her flaming husbands.

"Don't worry, Truman... I'm butch enough for BOTH of us!"

And of course, as is often the case with commitment-phobic homosexuals, most of these fabulous friendships have been treated with all the reverence and respect that one might bestow upon a particularly pleasing one-night stand. Sure it’s fun, but let’s just keep it casual, okay? Well, I think that it’s time to change all that and -- dare I say it? Yes, it’s time to get "Mary’d"!

"But mama, he dresses and dances so well!"

Getting “Mary’d”, as one might assume from its rather creative spelling, is much different that getting “married.” The latter is, in my humble opinion, an antiquated and obsolete institution, the right to which we gays should NOT be wasting our precious time fighting for. It is my belief that as gays, we are actually more evolved and should therefore recognize that a lifelong partnership between any two people -- gay or straight, romantic or platonic  -- is simply unnatural. I mean, have we learned nothing from watching umpteen seasons of “The Bachelor,” the E! True Hollywood Stories of, ahem, passionate people such as Elizabeth Taylor and Tiger Woods, and Wham’s “Behind The Music”? Yep, getting "Mary’d" just makes much more sense!

Wake me up before you go-go become a huge-huge success?

Getting "Mary’d" means making a public declaration to that special lady in your life. You know the one -- the gal with whom you go to lunch, talking about everything -- life and love, movies and music -- over soup and salad. The one who will tell you all about her husband’s penis in exchange for juicy details on your last sexual exploit and/or sold out show. Day trips, shopping sprees, movie nights, theater excursions, midnight phone calls. But it’s not all fun and games. Oh no. It’s also sharing tears and fears, and visits to the hospital -- both human and animal. It’s not just that wonderful catty cocktail of bitchiness and judgment, but also that soothing elixir made of equal parts warm, reassuring hugs and silent, knowing nods.

The one and only Muffy Bolding!

So, I know what you must be thinking to yourself right about now. Do I have a special lady in my life? Well, the answer is a resounding yes! Her name is Muffy and she’s very smart and very funny. She calls me her “gusband” (gay husband) and I call her my “slusband” (straight lady husband). Yes, we are very happy together. She is not what one used to refer to as a “fag hag” -- a miserable, unmarried drunky/chunky mess of a girl with no life of her own. Muffy has a real husband, three adorable children and two even more adorable dogs (sorry, but you know I like dogs better than people). But more importantly she has me! Oh, I’m sure she could watch “The Boys in the Band” with her real-life, vagina-craving hubby, but would they pause the DVD and scream in delight at the amazing paisley wallpaper or rewind it to hear wonderfully acidic lines of dialogue like, “Go stick your tweezers in your cheek!” and “Who is she? Who was she? Who does she hope to be?” No. You see, Bruce Willis is not in “The Boys in the Band.” Now this is not to say Muffy’s real husband is some tasteless oaf who survives merely on a steady diet of pork rinds and pro wrestling -- quite the contrary, actually -- he just ain’t a queen, that’s all!

Selene Luna always makes me feel TEN FEET TALL!

And the ultimate beauty of getting "Mary’d" is that, like most romantic relationships we filthy rule-breaking sodomites enjoy, it is “open!” In other words, I am free to also “hook up” with these other fine pieces of sass I just happen to be seeing on the side, named Selene and Nadya. Hey sometimes we get real wild and get into a “group scene” -- all three of those hot broads and myself will get together and crack jokes and laugh and, trust me, they all go home feeling VERY satisfied!

Nadya GInsburg: Half Italian, half Jew -- ALL WOMAN!

You see, when it comes to friendship and fun  there’s MORE than enough Jackie to go around!

And by the way, here are a few of the other sexy broads I am "involved" with... (In alphabetical order, so no one feels slighted!)

My gorgeous glamazon, Calpernia Addams!

Earless and fearless, former Mouseketeer and current triple threat, Lindsey Alley!

She's got Bette Davis eyes: The amazing Miss Jonona Amor!

The Double-D-lightful "World Famous BOB"!

Jealous?  You should be!