OH FOR THE LOVE OF SHANGELA!

Shangela: True talent will always triumph over tarnished tinsel!

I have been doing drag for over twenty years.  I am what they call a "legend" -- which sounds rather lofty, but actually just means, "Wow! She's still alive!?" I have been in countless TV, film and theatrical projects -- working with people like Robert DeNiro, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Parker Posey. I have toured this fine country as the opening act for comedy icon Roseanne Barr. I have been lucky enough to have performed in Milan, Berlin and even Saskatoon, Canada! I've wowed unsuspecting audiences on cruise ships, at clothing-optional gay campgrounds in rural Georgia and even at a Sweet 16 party where I opened for T-Pain (seriously!). I also started a rock band, Dirty Sanchez, that landed a record deal, had a song featured on the campiest soap opera of all time ("Passions") and toured with My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult. Oh, and did I mention that I am a card-carrying member of the Writers Guild of America who has written TV, short films, countless magazine articles and/or interviews and material for the likes of Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'Donnell, Ross Mathews, Jennifer Coolidge, Patricia Arquette and more?  I'm not quite Bruce Vilanch, but honey, who is?


My point is this: When I give my two cents on anything drag-related, y'all better listen up because this bitch knows a thing or two -- or three!


As you may or may not know, the performer known as Shangela was told to "sashay away" on last night's episode of "RuPaul's Drag Race." I guess "sashay away" sounds better than "Get the fuck out, bitch!" and besides, that doesn't really go with Ru's "everybody say 'love'" shtick.  But I digress...


Yes, sassy and spunky Miss Shangela was kindly asked to pack up her wigs and frilly undergarments and hit the road. Now there are many people out there -- and quite a few on the show -- who do not seem to like Shangie (I made that up!) for many reasons. Most are surface-level things like she can't do her makeup very well, she can't style a wig to save her life or she cannot create a one-of-a-kind haute couture masterpiece out of office supplies or some other total bullshit that NEVER happens in real life! All of this may be true, but you know what Shangie (hmmm, does it work or not?) CAN do? She can get on stage and be funny and ENTERTAIN the crowd by doing more than just moving her motherfucking lips! She is a naturally entertaining person who can think on her feet and ENTERTAIN a crowd. Does she look like a supermodel? Perhaps not, but neither do I!


Fellow "Drag Race" contestant, Carmen Carrera aka "The Yawn", claimed that being beautiful was the most important thing about doing drag, and that the rest could be learned. To this I shout, "Bullshit!" It's the opposite, honey! Anyone can learn how to apply makeup. Twenty years ago my makeup was HORRIFIC (we are talking Sharpie eyebrows that could not be washed off -- and no, I am NOT joking!) and now I am famous for my sick motherfucking makeup, thankyouverymuch! And I do not do my own wigs -- no drag queens I know, including RuPaul, do their own wigs! I know it's complicated, but here's what you do: You walk into a wig store, pull out money and hand it to an Asian lady (or old school sistah, if you're lucky!) and they style the wig for you!  See how that works?


What you cannot learn is how to be a NATURALLY entertaining person who has a point of view. Models and porn stars should never do interviews -- who cares what they have to say? Just walk the runway while pouting or whip out your impressive manhood and grunt, "Suck it." And I feel the same way about most drag queens. I, on the other hand (and you had better believe there are gorgeous nails on that hand, honey!), am an ENTERTAINER! I am a naturally funny person who is as charming and amusing while grocery shopping as I am on stage. My life is a show! That doesn't mean I am always "on" or bouncing off the walls, mind you. Jackie Beat is the glamorous -- and sometimes really retarded -- heightened version of the real me. I mean, people are paying good money -- give them something they can't get anywhere else, right? But if all you can give them is cunty couture and bitchy beauty then you may as well be a still photograph: Glossy but flat. And who wants to look at that for more than just a few minutes?


If, within the first 30 seconds of my show, the electricity were to go out and there were no lights and no music, I might have a moment of panic, but you know what? After doing this as long as I have I can honestly say that I would take a deep breath, light a candle and do a show! I would do stand-up comedy, tell stories, sing acapella and venture into the audience to humiliate, er uh, I mean to TALK to people! And I honestly believe that Shangela (Shangie never really caught on, sorry) could do the same. The show must go on. Besides, I ain't giving those people their money back... Puh-lease!


So Shangela, keep your head up and please know that the most interesting performers NEVER win these competition reality shows. I have two words for you: Adam Lambert.


Halleloo!

I am Jackie Beat, and I approve this message!