SAGE ADVICE TO THE SODOMITES & SISTERS OF SAPPHO...

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"HESHER" IS A MUST-SEE!

God, I miss movies like "Welcome to the Dollhouse" that have you laughing one moment and then sobbing the next. To paraphrase its titular lead character, "Thank God, or The Devil, or whatever..." for HESHER!

My friend Mario and I were very excited to go see (and add to the all-important opening weekend box office of) "Bridesmaids." It never ceases to amaze me how women -- WHO MAKE UP AT LEAST FIFTY PERCENT OF THE POPULATION -- still have to prove themselves as "bankable" here in Hollywood. Well, at least ones that talk instead of scream, right? Put them in a bikini and have them devoured by piranhas at Spring Break or tie them to a chair and torture them in "Saw 17: Enough Already!" and all is fine. But much has been written about how important "Bridesmaids" is to the future of female directors, writers and comic leading ladies. You would think we were talking about one-legged, albino bisexual Lithuanian women here. Listen, as far as I am concerned, anyone who thinks vagina ain't funny hasn't seen one! And putting so much pressure on ONE movie and ONE director and ONE cast is like people who say, "Okay Obama, we are giving YOUR people a chance -- if you blow this we will NEVER have another black president, understand!?" Can you imagine if we never had another white male president just because he fucked up? Honey, we would have a one-legged, albino bisexual Lithuanian woman president right now! And what about every movie starring a middle-aged white man that tanked? HOW THE FUCK DOES NICOLAS CAGE STILL GET WORK!?


But I'm not here to talk about "Bridesmaids" (which I am seeing today!) or Nic Cage. No, I am here to convince you to do yourself a favor and run, don't walk, to see "Hesher!" Joseph-Gordon Levitt is not only fat-free and tattooed and crazy and beautiful and scary and sexy, but brilliant. And to those of you who are concerned with Natalie Portman -- as we all should be -- I say this: Yes, she is far too gorgeous (even with her hair pulled back and in "ugly" glasses) to keep from being distracting and possibly momentarily pulling one out of the surreal reality of the movie, but she is barely in it and everyone else cancels out this oh-so-minor and temporary problem. Let it go.


The real reasons to see this gem are the script and the luminescent Piper Laurie. You can add weight, many many wrinkles, age spots and gray and thin the hair of a great actress and she will still remain a stunning and fearless creature from which you CANNOT LOOK AWAY! Piper Laurie, like with her Academy Award-nominated role as the religiously bonkers mother in "Carrie," walks the razor-thin line between dead-serious and now-she's-just-fucking-with-me! If she is not nominated for Best Supporting Actress for her work in "Hesher," mark my words, I will move to... Lithuania.

And don't even get me started on Devin Brochu, the actor who plays the bullied and beleaguered 13 year-old... Or the gut-wrenching, white-knuckle, CRAWLING OUT OF YOUR SEAT flashback that is one of the most painfully suspenseful scenes I have ever had to sit through in my entire life. Made every Hitchcock film suddenly feel like Bambi.


"Hesher" made $127,000 this weekend -- that's less than just the Raisinettes sales from all the showings of "Bridesmaids" combined.  I am not asking you NOT to see "Bridesmaids" or "Thor" or "Fast Five" (okay, maybe I am asking you NOT to see "Fast Five"), I am simply asking you to also make time for "Hesher."


Trust me.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME... WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME!?

Once again, these questions were SHAMELESSLY STOLEN from Muffy Bolding...

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?

All my relationships are serious.

2) What was your dream growing up?

I have a VERY distinct memory as a kid of figuring out how old I would be by the year 2000 -- and I was convinced I would be dead by then. Now it's 2011 and the bitch is still kickin'! I also remember fantasizing about what it would be like to be an adult and it was a specific vision of myself -- as an adult man -- in a rather dark smoked-glass and chrome bathroom, shaving. I thought that grooming and getting ready for some fabulous party was the ultimate adult thing to do. Needless to say, now I despise shaving! But I must shave to become my alter ego and entertain people -- which, of course, was my ultimate dream as a child.

3) What talent do you wish you had?

This is going to sound so pretentious and lame, but I wish I could play dumb.

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?

I adore coffee, but my all-time favorite beverage is carrot juice. I have said it before and I will say it again -- it tastes like chocolate milk to me!

5) Favorite vegetable?

When I was a kid, I would walk around the cafeteria and eat EVERYONE'S broccoli! I hated peas with a passion, but now they are my FAVORITE! Um, I guess that was my long way of saying "Peas!"

6) What was the last book you read?

I am currently reading (in the bathtub, of course!) a big fat biography of Truman Capote that Miss Muffy Bolding bought me at a thrift store for 33 cents.

7) What zodiac sign are you?

The ONLY sign that matters, Leo.

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.

My ears are pierced (the right has three holes -- oh, the late '80s/early '90s!) and I have the following tattoos: My mother's name (Lili) on my right ring finger, the word LOVE on my right wrist (my bestie, Mario Diaz, and I got matching ones!), above that is a star, then the Chinese symbol for "love", then another star, then the phrase I WILL SERVE NO OTHER MASTER (I got it when I quit smoking!), yet another star, then a monarch butterfly and finally MARIO -- which I got in NYC as a surprise for his birthday. I also have the word BEAUTIFUL on the inside of my left forearm, a DS (for my band, Dirty Sanchez) on the back of my neck (we all got them in different places on our bodies on some TV show) and finally... My precious dog, Baby, on my right upper arm/shoulder. That one is my favorite.

9) Worst Habit?

I am the laziest person on the planet. People argue with me about this all the time, but it's true. I can also be VERY negative. I am constantly saying, "Everything's fucked!"

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?

I hate to say it, but after watching many terrifying episodes of "I Survived" -- I would NOT!

11) What is your favorite sport?

As a certain kind of gay, I abhor sports. By the same token, I adore watching Male Gymnastics, Greco-Roman Wrestling, Diving, Swimming -- anything that involves hot men in various states of undress. When I went to Quebec to audition for Cirque du Soleil, the guy who picked me up at the airport asked me, "Do you like hockey?" to which I replied, "Hell no! They wear way too much clothing!"

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?

See Question 9. It is very UN-Leo of me to be so negative, but my negativity can actually be positive, if that makes sense. Also, as a comedian, focusing on the negative (and making fun of it) is how I make a living, so it's hard to turn that "off" in my real life.

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?

Start a conversation.


14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?

Overhearing my mother boasting to a neighbor lady that I "tested very high on several intelligence tests" and that I would "never have to work for anything." What a curse.

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.

For all my un-PC, filthy comedy I am quite a reserved and modest person who does not drink, smoke, do drugs and hasn't had sex in a very, very, VERY long time.

16) Do you have any pets?

Yes, thank God!  Baby is my stinky little Cairn Terrier -- she was a gift from Mario Diaz -- and she is over 10 years old but still acts like a puppy. And then there is Lil Sister, a chihuahua/terrier mix, who was a gift from Alexis Arquette. I feel like I actually gave birth to her.

17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?

I would HATE it, but be polite.

18) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?

This is the lazy man's irony: "Clowns are meant to be cheerful and fun, but they are actually quite scary!"  Yes, we get it.  The only good clowns are sad clowns, but enough about ME!

19) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?

I would like a larger penis please.

20) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?

I would sooooo talk you out of it. It's not worth it! DO THE RIGHT THING.

21) What color eyes do you have?

Brown.

22) Ever been arrested?

Yes, it's a stupid and boring story that involves a complete asshole in a uniform in West Hollywood. It was traffic-related.

23) Bottle or can soda?

I don't drink soda anymore -- EVER.

24) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?

That is not much money these days, but I would put it towards the surgery I need.

25) What’s your favorite place to hang?

In bed, with my dogs.

26) Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes and no. I think it's rather arrogant to proclaim, "No!" but I think there would be more proof if they really did exist. It's possible.

27) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

Take a hot bath.

28) Do you swear a lot?

Fuck yeah!

29) Biggest pet peeve?

The inability (or downright REFUSAL) of people on either side of ANY transaction -- to make eye contact, smile and be pleasant. I am talking about basic human decency here. Whether you are a customer, a casting agent, a receptionist, a cashier -- BE NICE! It kills me that these people at Whole Foods -- with their hybrid cars with all the politically correct/spiritual bumper stickers and their copy of The Secret and their yoga mat -- cannot even make eye contact with the person, standing less then 2 feet away from them, ringing up the overpriced organic, free-range, fair-trade, gluten-free food that will go into their body and/or that of their children. Basic manners, people. How can you "save the planet" if you can't even manage to be courteous to ONE person!?

30) In one word, how would you describe yourself?

Creative.

31) Do you believe/appreciate romance?

Yes. To me it simply means being creative and giving and expressive with your love. I can be romantic with animals and friends and complete strangers. It's an aesthetic and a style choice. Or perhaps I am confusing "romance" with general passion and joie de vivre.

32) Do you believe in a god?

Again, I think it is the ultimate arrogance to say "Yes" or "No" -- the only respectful answer is "I don't know!" It's hard NOT to believe in SOMETHING when you see fruits and vegetables and animals and babies and the sun and the moon, etc. Organized religion will be the death of mankind and possibly this planet, I am convinced of this. It is notoriously anti-nature and that is essentially spitting in God's face.