A FACE-TO-FACE WITH FACEBOOK

Hello Facebook, please have a seat.  We need to talk.

Despite the fact that we haven’t been “friends” for very long, it suddenly dawned on me that I cannot imagine living my life without you -- and that scares me.  You know I love you, but if this relationship is going to continue, we need to clear up a few things...  First of all, let me just say one word: MySpace.  I bet that sends a chill up your social networking spine, huh?  I only mention this because if I get one more invite to yet another underwear party, drag pageant, karaoke night and/or AIDS-themed comedy show that is taking place HALF WAY ACROSS THE FUCKING COUNTRY, I am going to lose it!  Please Facebook, do not turn into MySpace -- which now resembles that big scary swirling mass of garbage in the Pacific Ocean that may or may not really exist.

Second, I think you’re great, but you’re also quite the shit-stirrer.  I have noticed that you really love drama and causing trouble between me and my fake friends (aka fans).  See, I am a comedian and sometimes I will post a comment that would be super funny if a smart person heard it, but when a semi-retarded person reads it, all hell breaks loose.  Like the time I posted “It’s official, I am OVER Betty White!”... You’d have thought I brutally murdered the 89 year-old national treasure and sodomized her corpse.  I got death threats!  It was just a joke, people.  And right after fitness legend Jack Lalanne died and I posted “So much for diet and exercise, huh?” I cannot tell you how many IDIOTS felt the need to point out -- in angry, rambling comments chockfull of misspelled words -- that he actually lived a very long and healthy life.  Thank you so much for setting me straight.  Along with obesity and meth-addiction, America’s newest epidemic is obviously irony-poor blood.

And you are really bad at keeping secrets aren’t you?  Thankfully, I have never been the victim of one of those burglars I keep hearing about -- the ones who use you, Facebook, to figure out when I will be out of town so they can ransack my house and steal all my useless but charming owl figurines.  But I have been caught in many lies, thanks to you.  If a friend needs to be picked up at the airport or is having a moving and/or painting party -- or my ultimate pet peeve: someone asks me to perform in full drag for little or no money --  I used to be able to decline explaining that, “Unfortunately, I will be out of town” or “Sadly, I am otherwise engaged.”  Two weeks later, when I am sitting on my fat ass at home, surrounded by a veritable smorgasbord of sweet and salty snacks, watching an old movie I’ve already seen a dozen times and I mindlessly share this fact with my “friends” -- along with the horrible jokes and the many “sounds like fun” and “so jealous” comments comes the inevitable “I thought you were performing in Africa this weekend?”  Busted!  Then I have to back pedal and start building a complex web of lies by indignantly explaining that I’m watching the movie via Netflix on my laptop beneath a mosquito net, etc.  

You used to be so much fun, but ever since they made that movie about you, you’ve turned into a real asshole.  And just when I thought you couldn't possibly get any more annoying, that movie is nominated for an Oscar and you prove me wrong!  I bet that guy James Franco played, the one who drank his own pee and cut off his own arm with a pen knife, is still very nice.  Have you ever noticed that people with one arm are always nice?

And speaking of being an asshole, while it is certainly not my natural tendency, you just make it so easy.  As I mentioned earlier, Facebook is like a sea of easily-offended, humorless, ultra-touchy people with way too much time on their hands.  If it’s not one of my snarky and judgmental status updates or an anti-Lady Gaga rant, then it’s because I cropped a photo that somebody snapped or I merely commented on their new default photo with the word “Gross!”  And guess what?  I often find myself getting offended, too!  I think the problem lies in the fact that, while you are called “Facebook”, one cannot see the face (or hear the tone of voice for that matter) of the person with whom they are interacting.  So it stands to reason that one may not immediately realize upon reading it that “Sarah Palin would make a great president” was meant as a joke.  And the moment you think you’ve figured this out and reply with “LOL!” it turns out that -- PLOT TWIST -- they were NOT joking and then you are FLAGGED, UNFRIENDED and/or BLOCKED -- which, of course, is the cyber equivalent to being BLACKLISTED, QUARANTINED and/or KILLED! (Which, by the way, is still better than being friends -- fake or otherwise -- with anyone who actually thinks that Sarah Palin would make a great ANYTHING!)

So Facebook, get your shit together.  Or I will do something truly revolutionary and go back to the way things used to be when I had a handful of real friends as opposed to 5000 fake ones.  That’s right, I will call them on the phone to talk about our lives and actually meet up with them every so often for lunch or maybe even a movie.

Thank you for meeting with me today.  Yes, we’re done here.  You may leave now.  Oh, and on your way out, can you please send Grindr in?

I AM NOW A POD PERSON!

If you would like to listen to the latest pod cast of GLITTER IN THE GARBAGE starring
Drew Droege (Chloe, Planet Unicorn), Melanie Hutsell (SNL) and myself please click HERE!

BORN THIS WAY!

Check out this GREAT blog about how being as fierce and fabulous as ME is not a choice!

Kiss me, you fool!

YOU REALLY FIND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE -- WHEN YOU'RE DEAD!

You are no doubt familiar with "sexting," but do you know what "actsting" is?  It's when you act out an entire improv "scene" with a friend through text messages.  I invented this and it's all the rage.


This is an actual text message thread between myself and my "friend," Muffy Bolding.  No, despite her uncanny resemblance to a dykey prison matron, Muffy is NOT a lesbo.  As a matter of fact, the poor thing seemed genuinely surprised when I told her that upon our first meeting I just assumed she was a full-blown Indigo Girls-lovin', granola-eatin', man-hatin' carpet muncher.  But she is, in fact, the heterosexual mother of three children.  Keep that in mind as you read the shocking and revealing transcript that follows.  A MOTHER!  Of three very unfortunate children.  THIS WOMAN IS A MONSTER...


After ignoring a text message inviting her to join me for the midday meal known as "luncheon" -- and several subsequent texts -- Muffy finally gets around to responding to me, HOURS LATER.


MONSTER BOLDING: How are you, Mein Queen?


ABUSED & NEGLECTED LITTLE ME: This is a T-Mobile operator. Unfortunately, the person you are texting has committed suicide.


A good ten minutes goes by with no response.


A&NLM: We are actually keeping a record of people's responses to be compiled in a special book for the funeral.  I will put you down as "NO RESPONSE."


MB: Put me down as "FUCK THAT BITCH!" I never liked her anyway.


A&NLM: Wow. I guess every awful thing he wrote about you in his suicide note was true.


MB: AND HOW, motherfucker!


A&NLM: This is an outrage! I am beginning to think that perhaps you had something to do with this so-called "suicide"...


MB: "Something to do with?" Honey, that was no accidental overdose -- that champagne/Seconal enema was administered up that bitch's tired ass by my very own hand!


A&NLM: Just in case you think this is some kind of joke, please see the attached photo...

A&NLM: Your "friend" is dead.  And obviously had "combination skin!"


MB: IT BETTER NOT BE A JOKE. Do you know how hard it was finding that bitch's asshole so I could pop in the bottle of Moet & Chandon?  Oh, and this is me RSVPing for that bitch's funeral. Party of ONE.

A&NLM: Thank you!  You see, that was all we needed "Ms." Bolding (I assume from this photo that you too are a man who dresses as a woman, like our murder victim).  The police are on their way!


MB: Wait. That picture. The lead singer of Oingo Boingo is DEAD!?


A&NLM: For your information, his name is Danny Elfman, and he is now an accomplished composer.


MB: LOL!


A&NLM: Laugh it up, "lady"! I hope you enjoy your extended vacation at Sybil Brand.


MB: Do me a favor. Tell that bitch's rotting stinking corpse that I'll be over in ten minutes to pick up my painting, my dogs, and my antique mahjong set.  Good day!


A&NLM:  And do me a favor... Visit my blog in about thirty minutes when this entire text thread will appear as my next entry!


MB: What!?


A&NLM: Very good day indeed, SIR!

PISS & VINEGAR

I'm in a lousy mood.


I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and now my panties are in a twist.

I am feeling...
A) Crabby
B) Easily-Annoyed
C) Chock Full of Hatred
D) Homicidal
E) ALL OF THE ABOVE


This is not, mind you, based on anything even remotely logical. I would venture to guess it is chemical. After all, I am a naturally happy person who is grateful for all my many blessings.  Blessings that include being relatively healthy for a homosexual my age, having a successful career that involves making people laugh, owning a beautiful home, recently losing 111 pounds of unwanted fat, many wonderful friends and most importantly, my precious dogs.


So why am I in total cunt mode today? I usually wake to greet the day -- and Mondays in particular -- with positivity, gusto and an unbridled joie de vivre. But not today. Today I am tempted to get a delightful face tattoo that says, "Fuck off!" But I shan't. Because I know that, like the popularity of Justin Bieber, this makes absolutely no sense and shall eventually pass. I really should be singing the uplifting and timeless "Hold On For One More Day" by Wilson Phillips, but instead I am humming that feel-good ditty about shooting school kids, "I Don't Like Mondays" by The Boomtown Rats.


F.T.W.


Gee, I sure hope I feel better by tomorrow night. After all, I have a show to do with my gal pals Muffy Bolding, Selene Luna and Nadya Ginsburg. Here's all the info if you want to come: COME TO THE SHOW OR DON'T, I AIN'T GONNA' BEG!


Thank goodness the theme of the show this month is "BITCH!" If I'm still feeling like a bitter, life-hating cooze tomorrow night it will only add a gritty authenticity to my performance. Sounds good anyway. Fuck you.

SUNDAY IS THE LORD'S DAY

So I thought I would share this with you...

Enjoy!

WORTH REPEATING

Same-sex marriage, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” gay bullying—sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that we’re still discussing basic human rights in 2011, but alas, we are. Rarely do I think, “I couldn’t have said it better myself!” but when I heard what many of the most brilliant minds from history had to say on the subject of being gay—or unique in any way—I couldn’t help but ask...

MAY I QUOTE YOU ON THAT?

“When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one.” —Leonard P. Matlovich

“You don’t have to be straight to be in the military, you just have to be able to shoot straight.” —Barry Goldwater

“Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?” —Ernest Gaines

“Why can’t they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, ‘Who’d you call a faggot?’” —John Stewart

“Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons.” —Letter to the editor, The Advocate

“Homosexuality is god’s way of insuring that the truly gifted aren’t burdened with children.” —Sam Austin

“Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law.” —Boethius, The Consolation of Philosophy, 524 A.D.

“You could move.” —Abigail “Dear Abby” Van Buren (in response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood)

“Everybody’s journey is individual. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them than it does about homosexuality.” —James Baldwin

“Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an anti-gay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won’t be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole.” —Judy Carter

“I’m a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being ... by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant.” —Paul Newman

“One should no more deplore homosexuality than left-handedness.” —Towards a Quaker View of Sex, 1964

“It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It’s like disapproving of rain.” —Francis Maude

“Trust a nitwit society like this one to think that there are only two categories—fag and straight.” —Gore Vidal

“As long as society is anti-gay, then it will seem like being gay is anti-social.”
—Joseph Francis

“If Michelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been wallpapered.”
—Robin Tyler

“Some women can’t say the word lesbian ... even when their mouth is full of one.”
—Kate Clinton

“The Lord is my shepherd and he knows I’m gay.” —Troy Perry

“God has given you one face, and you make yourself another.” —William Shakespeare

“Is life not a hundred times too short for us to stifle ourselves?” —Friedrich Nietzsche

“Why don’t you want to look like what you are?” —Malcolm X

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” —Harvey Fierstein

“There is just one life for each of us: our own.” —Euripides

“If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.”
—Johann von Goethe

“There’s this illusion that homosexuals have sex and heterosexuals fall in love. That’s completely untrue. Everybody wants to be loved.” —Boy George

“Every time you don’t follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness.” —Shakti Gawain

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”—Dr. Seuss

“If you removed all of the homosexuals and homosexual influence from what is generally regarded as American culture, you would pretty much be left with Let’s Make a Deal.”
—Fran Lebowitz

“It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.”
—Agnes Repplier

“To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying ‘Amen’ to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to keep your soul alive." —Robert Louis Stevenson

“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson

“There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” —Anaïs Nin

“No government has the right to tell its citizens when or whom to love. The only queer people are those who don’t love anybody.” —Rita Mae Brown

“The diagnosis of homosexuality as a ‘disorder’ is a contributing factor to the pathology of those homosexuals who do become mentally ill ... Nothing is more likely to make you sick than being constantly told that you are sick.” —Ronald Gold