Monday, March 7, 2011


I am NOT a rich cunt -- I just like to pretend (that I'm rich!)
Okay, let's be honest... I live a life of leisure! I love nothing more than sitting in bed with my dogs, texting my friends, playing word games on my iPhone, Facebooking or blogging while watching my favourite television programs. What can I say? I'm a multi-tasker! (And did you notice that I not only used the British spelling of "favourite," but I also said "television programs?" A less-sophisticated bitch would have simply grunted, "favorite TV shows." Goddamn, I am one piss-elegant cooze!)
I really hope this show gets picked up,
but until then I must continue to be a clown!
Yes, I just wrote on a great pilot presentation called "Love or Hate" for Chelsea Handler's Borderline Amazing Productions starring Ross Mathews and Heather McDonald. Yes, I write my wildly popular column for Frontiers Magazine. Yes, I just did yet another sold out, standing-room-only holiday tour in December. But it just dawned on me that it's suddenly March and I need to get back to work!
Christmas is OVAH, bitch!
So if you would like me to host, perform, DJ or just about anything else that a rodeo clown/whore might do -- PLEASE SEND ME A MESSAGE! I will entertain just about ANY offer -- as long as it's legal. And moral. And glamorous. Which essentially means I will not fuck a dead dog on camera.

But I am willing to travel just about anywhere -- yes, even to the Inland Empire!
Do you think amazing mid-century "ching-chong" lamps like this grow on trees!?
(Actually this one is made of wood so it kinda' did, but you know what I mean...)
Is it unglamorous of me to say that I need work? Well, guess what is even less glamorous? Not being able to live the luxurious lifestyle to which I have grown accustomed! Imagine making one's own lunch instead of going to a different delightful eatery every day with friends... Imagine not seeing the latest theatrical productions... Imagine surviving with (gasp!) basic cable... Oh the mere thought sends a chill right up my spoiled spine! Do you have any idea how much it costs to furnish a house that is so fabulous it has been featured in The LA Times Home Section!? What am I saying, of course you don't.
Dammit, Maria!  I specifically told you not to put THIS newspaper in the
bottom of the bird cage...  Look, I don't know how to say it in Mexican!
This was so much easier when I was only one of a few drag artists, but now it seems like everyone and their father is putting on makeup (well, trying to anyway!) and a wig (unstyled, right out of the bag!) and writing a scat-themed parody of the latest pop hit. And then when you add to that all the losers from "RuPaul's Drag Race" you get all sorts of people splashing (and peeing) in the talent pool. Thank God there's no lifeguard on duty and the weak ones drown rather quickly.
"The time has come for you to lip sync for your life!"
Um, I think I'd rather die, thank you
So hook a bitch up. Because if I may be brutally honest -- and that is kinda' my claim to fame, you know -- you really only have two choices here. You can either throw me a few Benjamins to warble out one of my aforementioned greatest shits -- or I can break into your car and/or apartment to actually steal your shit.

It's up to you. The ball is in your court. My ball is, of course, in my pantyhose.

Kidding! I have two balls, but no, you cannot see them!

That is, unless the money is really good.

THIS is what I am looking for.  Oh, and cock... But I am
far too classy to run a photo of cock on my blog.  
Or am I?

Oh dear!  I guess I'm not...


  1. Sebastian Cabot LodgeMarch 7, 2011 at 8:52 PM

    Jackie is on Fire!! Fun post

  2. I want to hire you to fuck a dead dog off camera. And I checked the dog's schedule and Candy Ass is available.

  3. my new favorite jackie beat quote "you get all sorts of people splashing (and peeing) in the talent pool. thank God there's no lifeguard on duty and the weak ones drown rather quickly".
    p.s. this was the very first time i've enjoyed basketball.

  4. Death awaits ye.

  5. Have you no dignity? "...willing to travel just about anywhere -- yes, even to the Inland Empire!"

  6. Selene, as you know... There is no place for dignity in the Business of Show!

  7. I missed you last year when you did "Busty Jane" in NY -- wish i could see that live..... And I'm sure others would too.