I really wish I wasn’t so shy... Sometimes I yearn to be one of those people who are not afraid to speak their mind, you know? I wish I were more opinionated about how I feel -- as opposed to the quiet and reserved “shrinking violet” that I actually am. Having said that -- under my breath, in a non-threatening and pleasant whisper, of course -- let me climb up onto this table and, at the top of my lungs, share with you a few things that are...
BUGGING THE EVER-LOVIN’ CRAP OUTA’ ME!
I’M JUST WONDERING, WHEN DID YOU CHOOSE TO BE BLACK?
It's 2011, can we make one thing perfectly clear: BEING GAY IS NOT A CHOICE. If it was, please tell me why anyone would have chosen it back when being so was the worst possible thing? Gays were killed in nazi concentration camps, the victims of hate crimes and lest we forget when AIDS first struck in the 1980's. If you were 16 and saw gay men all around you being beaten, killed or dying a slow agonizing death from a horrible disease -- and being Gay was a CHOICE -- why would you choose it? It makes absolutely NO sense, but fools like Tracy Morgan, Evangelical Christians and other idiots still nonchalantly claim, "It's a choice." You know what IS a choice? Religion is a choice. Warping, twisting and perverting what is natural in the name of a man-made God is a choice. It really is a matter of intelligence and there are simply a lot of really stupid people out there. You have every right to be stupid, all I ask is that please SHUT THE EFF UP. Thank you.
THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO PUT THEIR CHILDREN ON LEASHES!
This is LOS ANGELES -- not a farm in Wisconsin, not Tijuana, not Mayberry RFD! There are cars EVERYWHERE. So pleeeease put your fricking dog on a freaking leash, you fracking piece of shit asshole. I just watched as some woman who was walking two well-behaved dogs, ON LEASHES, was attacked by three not-so-well-trained dogs that just came running out of someone’s yard. A few people ran out and helped break up the scuffle, ushering their pets back into the unfenced yard, but not before I saw one of the men swat the dog he had scooped up IN THE FACE. Listen, do whatever it takes to separate the snarling dogs, but once it’s over there is no need to strike a dog -- especially in the face! Of course these semi-retarded entitled cretins did not utter even ONE word to this woman -- no apology of any kind. She just stood there, dazed and confused, while checking to see if either of her dogs were hurt. And before you tell me that your dog is “well-trained”, let me just remind you that NO ONE can train a dog 100%... If the dog sees a cat, a child, another dog, a skunk, a raccoon, a squirrel, a chicken bone -- or one of thousands of other things -- OR THERE IS AN EARTHQUAKE OR A GUN SHOT -- they might dart into the street. Is your dog-training ego really worth seeing your dog unceremoniously crushed beneath the tires of an SUV? I say NO!
GOODBYE NORMA JEAN...
I have been OBSESSED with the recent Profiles in History auction of Debbie Reynolds’ amazing collection of Hollywood memorabilia. First, I went with my equally bonkers ex-boyfriend and my slusband (straight lady husband), Muffy Bolding, to witness the unparalleled exhibit with my own two eyes. I stood mere inches from Marilyn Monroe’s infamous white “subway” dress from The Seven Year Itch, Charlie Chaplin’s signature bowler hat, tons of horribly/wonderfully gaudy gold-leafed Egyptian crap from both Cleopatras, 1934 with Claudette Colbert and 1960 with Elizabeth Taylor (not to mention Eagle-Lion in 1945 featuring Vivien Leigh as Cleo!), the Santa Claus suit from A Miracle on 34th Street and hundreds of other iconic costumes and props from The Wizard of Oz, The Sound of Music, Ben Hur, My Fair Lady, Mutiny on the Bounty, Singing in the Rain, Apocalypse Now, A Streetcar Named Desire, How To Marry a Millionaire, Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte, Mildred Pierce, Planet of the Apes, Funny Girl and many more classic films! My ex bid on (and actually won!) a set of five purple and green roller skating costumes from Funny Girl -- complete with tights, hats and skates. He got them for an unbelievably low $2500. The costume Barbra Streisand wore in that scene sold for $65,000! But that is nothing compared to the $4.6 million Marilyn’s aforementioned “subway” dress raked in or the $3.7 million that the stunning black and white masterpiece with matching hat that Cecil Beaton designed for Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. My ex, who spent over fifteen hours at the actual auction waiting for those skating costumes to come up, texted me throughout the day. He said that two Japanese men were bidding on almost everything and that a French man and woman (perhaps from Monaco?) were snatching up anything that had belonged to Grace Kelly. It’s so sad that these treasures will be scattered all over the world -- many as far away as Japan. The American Dream -- and specifically, its golden Hollywood chapter -- is now officially dead and pinned like a butterfly to acid-free velvet, behind shatterproof plexiglas in a climate-controlled environment.