GREETINGS FROM PROVINCETOWN!

Dearest Readers,

I am writing to you, once again, from the charming seaside resort village known as Provincetown, Massachusetts.  As I sit here, typing this column on my lap top computer near an open window, I can smell the salt air, the fried clams and the backed-up sewer system wafting in.  You may remember that just a few years ago I fled this “paradise” in the middle of the night without telling anyone.  I likened my situation to that of an abused woman who realizes, despite the fact that “he” keeps promising never to hit her again, nothing is ever going to change.  So I just left.  And I vowed I would NEVER return.  Well, as everyone’s favorite little faux lesbian Justin Beiber would say, “Never say never!”  Regular readers of this column know all too well that I am in need of a hip replacement.  Seeing how there is no Drag Queen Union, I don’t have medical insurance.  And that is why I am here in “P-Town” yet again -- dressing up like a nymphomaniacal clown and standing on the street like common gutter trash, begging people to come see my brilliant show.  I am in excruciating pain -- both physical and emotional -- but “the show must go on!”  I have decided to do my best to have a good attitude, and in order to do that I thought I should perhaps learn more about this quaint little place that I once heard described as “a sleepy little drinking town with a fishing problem.”  Here are some fun facts about where I am currently serving a two month sentence for various crimes against nature, specifically those regarding crumbling hip bones.  And as I wince in pain with every step I take, I cannot help but think, “I hope my mother enjoyed all those cocktails and cigarettes she guzzled and puffed while pregnant with me!”

1620: Pilgrims arrive on the Mayflower and make the first landing in the New World in Provincetown Harbor. The Pilgrims stay for only five weeks, then continue on to their ultimate destination of Plymouth. (See, even close to 400 years ago, no one could stomach this place for very long!)

1727: The first permanent settlement in Provincetown was established with fishing being the primary draw for settlers. (And “fishing” is still the primary draw for many of today’s visitors -- especially during “Womyn’s Week!”)

1800: Provincetown’s population swelled by the middle of the 19th century. (Not unlike the unfortunate “swelling” one may suffer after hooking up with one of the filthy, toothless locals!)

1898: The Portland Gale swept away half of the town’s wharfs and decimated the fishing industry. Provincetown embarked on a tourism campaign to fill the economic gap. Artists and bohemians were among the earliest visitors. (Rumor has it the first tourism slogan was “Provincetown, Just A Few Less Deadly Diseases Than Some Other Places!”)

1910: The Pilgrim Monument was dedicated by President Taft which commemorated the Pilgrims’ landing in Provincetown. (The museum proudly features the very first designs for flip-flops and the now infamous rainbow umbrella hat!)

1915: Eugene O’Neill, considered the father of modern American theater, mounted his first play on an East End Provincetown wharf, and thus established Provincetown as the birthplace of modern American theater.  (And now I can be seen in drag as a topless mermaid every Tuesday in “Peter Pansy” at The Crown & Anchor!)

1961: The U.S. Congress created the Cape Cod National Seashore. (Two years later some drunk guy named Larry creates the first whimsical frog made out of seashells with googly eyes glued onto them!)

2004: Gay marriage became legalized in Massachusetts. Shortly thereafter, Provincetown became the place to get married with over 1,400 marriage licenses issued to date. (And rumor has it that an impressive 16 of those marriages are still in tact!)

2011: Hell freezes over as world-famous drag superstar, Jackie Beat, makes her triumphant return to Provincetown!  She can be seen every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday at 10 PM at The Art House.  For tickets or more info please visit www.ptownarthouse.com

All joking aside, it really is beautiful and relaxing here, so please come see me.  Hey, you and your “life partner” can even hold hands in public!